Split Sides

2022: Year of Clarity

Today is the 25th of December. Christmas Day. And in six day's time, the New Year and the beginning of 2023. Now that 2022 is coming to a close, I felt it fitting to reflect upon everything that has happened to me this year.

I can say with absolute certainty that 2022 has been a pivotal year for me. The year began with me saying goodbye to a faithful friend that has given me strength and hope in the troughs of the pandemic. Although I was sad to see them go, I recognize it was inevitable for things to change. It was for the best and I wished them well.

I realized so little happened to me between the start of 2022 and the midpoint of it, aside from my turning 26 and acquiring more books for my collection. Just two: Permanent Record by Mary H. K. Choi, and The Magician's Land by Lev Grossman, the third and final book of The Magicians Trilogy. The former took some time for me to finish but I did and I enjoyed it. A good lesson as to why dating celebrities is a bad idea. The latter title is the one I was excited about, for at long last I have learned how Quentin Coldwater has resolved his fate. It has given me guidance on how I will construct my book series. And to my surprise, his book would help in healing from and understanding my impending tragedy later in the year.

30 July. That date has been an important point for me, as it was the day I saw my (Old crush? Interest? Ex? I don't know how to accurately describe it) for the first time since January 2017. I shall not go into too much detail here, as I have written all about that in the chapter To Elisha (Interest #3), but basically it was a testy but clarifying moment. Wasn't the encounter I was hoping but it helped me in other ways, chief of which is meeting all the people I wish I knew six years ago. It was wonderful and I wish it had lasted for longer, if only it didn't happen at a place far away from my house. I hope I get to see them again soon. There's just so much still to know and share.

And there it was. 18 October. The day the person who used to be Hayley came back after four years. The love of my life, or so I thought. But evidently it wasn't gonna be. They have changed in a fundamental way I never foresaw, both good and bad. Again, I shall not go into too much detail here; all that happened that day can be found in the chapter To Hayley (Interest #4), but to summarize, it wasn't the happy reunion I thought it would be. It was embarrassing to learn I held on to them all these years when they had given up and moved on already. It was a searing revelation. When they cut me out of their life so brutally I felt just like Quentin after the gods kicked him out of the magical land where he reigned as king, after saving it from the End of the World. It was that sinking feeling of disappointment and heartbreak and a loss of purpose that I recognized from his travails back into normality. I felt a shared solidarity with Quentin after that. Lev Grossman, if you ever read this, you're my literary hero. I aspire to be like you.

And now I've reached the end of this pivotal year. I know I can never go back to the way things were pre-pandemic. I don't want to go back to normal. No, I want this New Normal. Now that my earlier beliefs had been deconstructed and disproved, a new purpose must be found. A new way of living and loving must be developed. I promise I will learn from my mistakes. This will take time, but I'm determined to be a different person this 2023. I will change, whatever the cost. I just know this can't go on. Evolve or die. And so I shall evolve.

I can be better, I will be better. I will change.