Split Sides

Frighteners

I can't believe it took me a podcast about domestic politics to put into words something I've been feeling since last October but could never make the link: Salvation should never come from an external source, but rather from within. It was there when I realised how mistaken I was to believe that personal salvation could come from someone like Lux. That's a missing piece in my re-evaluation of my relationship with them. I shouldn't have put so much expectation and hope on their shoulders, especially when they're still immature with themselves. That was my mistake, the error I should've thought about. There's no such thing for such a problematic person like Lux to be my savior. I wanted too much, and I think I was too eager to rise above the difficult circumstances we faced at the time. Perhaps I also blindly assumed we'd make it in the end because I had no access to their living state at that time, which was compounded by their impenetrable opaqueness with relevant information about themselves. Yeah, that was my fault, and I take 50% of responsibility for that. Still, it takes two to tango, and Lux promised me their unquestioned love and loyalty and support, and they promised that we'd build a future together, when things have improved in our lives. I believed them and stuck with them through all these six years, sure, but I wouldn't make that commitment had they not promised me those things in the first place. So they have to take the other 50% of responsibility for that as well. It's cynical and unacceptable for them to say that they can fulfill that pledge when manifestly, they can't, because of the sheer unpredictability, both in their lives and in the people and the situation around them. So in effect, by failing to live up to their promises, they have corroded trust, not only with me, but with the people around them, now and in the future. I feel foolish and hurt after all of this. They were everything to me, but it turns out I wasn't everything to them. There's a quote I wish I learnt before it all started: "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."

Well, that's another life lesson I must take into heart in my long journey. After all that, I'm certain it'll never happen again. I'll never do that, or put myself in that position again, about expecting others to save me. I have to save myself. There's no choice. If someone I trusted and loved can turn on me, like Lux did; and worse, convince friends and peers of how awful and despicable I was despite facts on the contrary, then there's nothing to stop whoever's next from doing it again, or even surpassing it. Anything is possible. That scares me.

I don't know if it's real or if I'm just being overly sensitive, but I'm noticing a possible autocratic bent in them, especially in their social interactions. Especially that concept George Orwell expressed, the falsification of the past. I see it with authoritarian states around the world, for example China, Burma, Spain under Franco, the Khmer Rouge, etc.; believing that history is plastic and can be moulded to suit the wishes and agendas of the beholder. I know these are abstract ideas, and they have no bearing on personal life, but lately I saw something that made me wonder if they may have this predilection. It's a TV advert for a housing loan and mortgage program run by the government, and it starts with a tearful woman deleting all the messages and photos she had with her ex. Her reasons were not given, but her actions reminded me of what Lux did, which was strikingly similar. Destroying previous records, rewriting history, all that stuff. After watching that I felt genuinely fearful, not exactly paranoid, but feeling greatly worried at the back of my mind. Because what Lux did, and what the woman in that TV advert did, were the same actions taken by autocratic states and leaders, brought down to a closer, more personal level. What really did it was thinking about people like them having wider social circles, and therefore a greater scale and degree of romantic interactions, than people like me. And knowing, through observing interactions of other people, their power and ability to shape the desires of their partners, and the perception of their friends and peers about them; that gives people like them an incredible leverage that is truly frightening at its worst. They can spin events for their benefit, and their friends and peers would believe it, never mind if it's true or not. People like me don't have that verbal, mental, and emotional agility, not in the speed and conviction required to counter that. All these factors I've discussed have led me to believe that it's possible (though it's just a hunch for now, without actual proof) for them to have an autocratic strand within them. They have the advantage and I fear they have the power and ability to subvert history and misdirect people over things that did or didn't happen, just like dictators around the world. What a frightening notion. That scares me.

Either I'm overthinking again, or there is some basis to these notions. Of course, I could be laughed at for this, but you never know. I myself don't know how they'll end up, but I have an inkling of what they could be, based on their actions across the entire arc I've known them. And it's not good, I fear. It's a tragedy to see them like this, especially since they were everything to me, but when all is said and done, they made their choice, so they have to wear it and live with the consequences of their actions. It was their choice. It was their choice.

What a shame. What a crying shame. But it's all over now. It is what it is.