Somewhere

As I Ran

There are no words

Nor is their rhythm

To what is left 

This sweat in my thighs

Has grown wet

My desire for men

Leaving nothing left 

For what harm can come from desperation?

I can no longer voice my opinion

I am like a thrown about doll 

Passed back and forth between brothers

Hair pulled out 

Then forgotten when dinner comes 

No comfort

No pity

No solitude

It's like whatever I do

I won't feel free

That these feelings just won't stop killing me

Maybe it's just as well

That I screw up so often

I hear it so much

It's in their voices

Waiting for my next bite

An opportunity to say

"I was right! 

I knew her well!

Watched and dissected her brain like I should

Telling her to accept a fate 

That would take over her life

Make her believe

That she couldn't fight

The onslaught of daily life

The hunger and pity

Make her shirk from the dance

Make her hide in the stink!"

It's not time yet Dr.

In the heat

I slug my way to class

It's Midsummer

Time to work

Declare my independence above all else

Convince my mom that I am alright

Avoid the officers' sight 

Fake a smile

It won't last long 

Until I destroy myself again

It's expected

It's written down

It's the eventual knowing that someone will fall ill

That every time

Failure will encapsulate her

That no matter how far she reaches

She will be brought back into the cold

Drenched dwelling 

Of her mind

Where her muffled cries

Are just empty noises 

In these cavern walls

Hidden from the voices 

Hidden from all

I don't know what they think

I don't know why they label me so

It seems that no matter how hard I try

No matter how far I go

The little things bring me down

Yet they say I am angry

I suppose I got it from my father

That's what my mom says

I don't really know

I have nowhere to go

No family who is proud of what I accomplish

Except for my mother 

Imagine it

Everyone else is far away

I want to identify myself

I want to say that I can be different

That I can make a change

Be someone who people can be proud of

Yet the little things

The little actions

Make me turn away

Make me turn inward

I ran 

A voice was talking to me

She spoke low and soft

I didn't like it

It wasn't threatening or anything

It's just that she wouldn't go away 

Maybe it was trying to comfort me

"I missed the way he touched me"

What a lucky ghost

I had never had anyone to touch me

"We held each other in our arms that night, unable to let each other go"

Stupid ghost 

Did she not see that I am suffering here?

I ran through the campus 

Passing by buildings very fast 

But it seemed to have no end

That no matter what turn I took

Or where I took a new path 

I would find myself back in the same direction

Hearing that girl's soft, annoying voice 

Was this hell? I couldn't tell really 

Finally

I had made it to a clearing

A grassy field and school far away