Somewhere

Adulthood Calls

It seems like the world doesn't care for me anymore

That all the heart I put into things means nothing

What meaning is in this?

What is the best way to make sure that the efforts of the future are in our own hands?

How will we be able to capitalize ourselves at the proper moment so that we are prepared for all of the challenges of life?

Will we be able to look back at ourselves when we have made the decisions, and determine whether those decisions were made out of our heart or our self-interest?

What is self-interest?

Is the human race at its optimal level when it is run by its own self-interest?

I don't trust anyone and I fear that this is crippling me

The entire sitting government flies drones over our heads

Feeding us genetically engineered food

Neglecting to regulate the amount of CO2 in the atmosphere

Blowing up NASA space shuttle sites because they are no longer being funded

I keep trying to vote for the right person

Only I see that when I have elected this person, they turn out to make decisions that I never expected

Some of them are under the counter

Those ones make me very angry

So preservation is my goal

No one should be scared of how they are going to die

And I am, and it sucks, and don't take after me 

No one should think about when it is going to happen

They should live every day ignoring the thought of that

Doing whatever they want to do

But I really can't stop thinking about the world ending

And us not doing anything to save it

And damn, it pisses me off

Even while I sit on the computer looking to gain from capitalism by making a quick buck or being an artist and all

Maybe I should just finally say fuck it and be a scientist

Even if it costs nearly all my living

I want my life to be meant something when I am dead...

Every 10 years I switch my aims to acquire the new skills needed for this level of preservation

But at each turn

A spy

Watching everything I type on the computer screen

Wondering when it is beneficial

To have the police search my home

Wondering when it is optimal

To forcibly hospitalize me

Wondering how much they can tax

Until I stop trying

This is a war that I fight

Every day, it seems impossible to work against the forces that be

Keeping hope that someday, the future might favor me

You tell us conflicting things

That we must be moral and believe in angels

Then you ship us off to college

Tear our minds open with psychiatric drugs

Telling us to move on

These drugs and booze that float around

Make me wonder about how people think

That college is the time of their lives

It can be happy for sure

Yet the guilt still lives on

I know it isn't leaving me when I grow old

The drugs won't help

That's just what they want you to believe

You will still want the numbing release

Desiring more than they can give you

My breath is warm

Life continues on

We keep our faces straight

Without meaning

Laughing with gaiety and without remorse

As we stop replenishing the supply of fish

As we spray our crops with pesticides

Blow up places of learning

Tear down monuments and statues of our ancient history

We itch to feel something against our bodies

Just to feel alive

As the world burns with fear

I wrote a notebook trying to make myself the perfect girl for him

It wasn't his fault

It was mine

I wanted to make myself feel this pain

To see myself rebel and push away

Imagining myself as the girl with the golden hair

I gave my all

Then I gave up

It seemed like an endless cycle

I would text you and tell you it was over

Then we would make up

A joyful reunion

Then we would fight

One night, everything

Touched a Hercules

Who held me like a man

I felt the throws of passion again

Now the touch of my old lover is an empty shadow

I feel so gross and disgusted

That I could allow myself to leave the angel-faced boy

It's not like I deserve much

I don't believe I do

Yet, there's not much I can do

My heart is empty

My breath is still