Dear Diary

Entry 2

Dear Diary,

Is it possible to lie to yourself while lying to others? I think I do that. I try so hard to keep up a façade that I think I've started to believe my own lie. How do I stop? How can I fix all of my mistakes if I can't even tell when I'm lying to myself about what I feel or not. I want it to stop. I want to die, but I don't want to hurt anyone with my death. Why can't I go back to a time when I was antisocial and no one cared about me? It was easier. I didn't have to worry about anything, and nobody worried about me. Can I go back to that? What if my friends shoved me away? I would have to go back to that life. Would I be able to survive that life again? Could I go back to being alone? Is death my only way out of my web of lies? Or is there a way that I can fix it? Can I ever be happy? Will I ever feel secure and safe? I just want to stop living my life in fear, to stop having panic attacks at the sight of a car that looks like my dads. I want help. Would my friends help me? Would they even try? If they did, could they succeed? I sometimes feel like I'm unloved. Is it true? Does my family think of me as just another mouth to feed? Do my friends do nothing but pity me and wish that I would disappear? I want to know the truth about that, but I'm scared of the answer. Why won't it just end? Will I ever fit in? Will I ever feel wanted or loved or happy? Can I? Should I? Could I end it? If I had the chance, could I take my life? Would I? Should I? I want.....no..... need answers. I want to know the truth, scared or not, I want to know if I'm that girl that nobody likes. I want to know if my friends and boyfriend are just waiting to get rid of me. Maybe then I could decide what do with my so called "life". It doesn't feel like living when your dying inside. It doesn't feel like dying when on the outside your still breathing. It feels like I'm just here, watching, but not participating. Like I'm just a hollow shell waiting to be released, to be free. I was just at lunch, and I got into a serious bipolar state. All I kept thinking/asking was, 'Why do I feel like I don't want to die, but like I deserve to die?' Why? I mean, some people want to die, they want to take the easy way out of their problems. I deserve death. But will it come to me? Am I so messed up that not even death would end it? Please, I just want to feel alive for once. Alive, that big, sad, complicated word, that I've never truly felt. Goodbye.

Artistically yours,

H