Dear Diary

Entry 38

Dear Dairy,
Hello. I know I haven't been on in a while, I just haven't been up to doing much of anything lately. I mean, all I do is mentally rip myself to shreds, and no one can see that. All they see is my big fake smile while I keep on lying to them and telling them "I'm ok". I wish they would stop asking me what's wrong. How can I answer that if almost nothing is right? I wish they would stop asking me if I'm ok. I'm sick of lying, no I'm not ok, I've never been ok, I'm too fucked up to be ok. You know how people say it doesn't matter what others think of you? It only matters what we think of us. Well, if that's true, and I keep ripping myself to shreds like this, does that mean I'm right and the people who say I'm beautiful are wrong? If I'm right, and I am worthless, then am I allowed to do something about that? I mean, I'm worthless, so why don't I go where all the trash and shit is? Isn't that where the worthless things belong? I am worthless though, quite a few people have said that, so it has to be true, then again, it doesn't matter what they think. But what if I agree with them? What if I believe that I'm trash? Where does that leave me? If that's the case maybe I should be alone. All I am is depressing, someone even said it today! They said I'm depressing, I know I am, I know I'm that one chick that no one wants to hang around cause I always say the depressing shit! Maybe tomorrow I should just avoid everyone, then they could laugh and joke all they want while I can sit in a corner somewhere and wish that I was dead. At least Thursday I get to go back to gymnastics, that's the only good thing happening at the moment. Besides art anyways. I think I will run solo tomorrow. I'm not in the best shape or mood anyway so I don't want to be around people, at all. I just want to hide in my room with my music and be alone so I can contemplate where I went wrong in life. I don't care if that means suffocating, or if I tear away what's left of me, I don't care anymore, I'm just tired. I'm tired of being unable to cry anymore. I'm tired of wanting to cry. I'm tired of always being quiet. I'm tired of wanting to speak up. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being around people. I'm tired of always feeling angry and crazy. I'm tired of feeling like I'm suffocating. I'm tired of needing help. I'm tired of being to fucked up to help. I'm tired of remembering. I'm tired of missing things. I'm tired of being so different. I'm tired of missing people who don't give me a second thought. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of feeling hollow. I'm tired of wishing I could just give in. I'm tired of wishing I could start over or die. I'm tired of dreaming up all these fantasies that I know can never have. Most of all, I'm just tired of being so tired. Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm fine, why can't people see how fake my smiles are? Why can't they see the pain and sorrow in my eyes when I look at anyone and everyone? Why do I want them too? Maybe this will all go away if I'm just left alone. Then my friends could find someone better. I could stop hurting people and just get my music and shut the world out. It hurts less if I shut the world out, no one can get in which means they can't hurt me and vise versa. That's all I want. Maybe some day I'll be happy with people, or myself, but for now I hate every fiber of my being and believe I should just rot in hell. There's probably a room with my name on it there anyway. Guess that's all for today, bye.

Artistically yours,
H