Dear Diary

Entry 27

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry. I don't why I said that. I didn't mean to. I relapsed. It probably doesn't count as relapsing if I only went three days without doing anything. I know that a lot of people think of self harming as really self-fish and don't understand why we do it. Here's my reasons:

1. Punishment. I do nothing but wrong, and cause harm just by saying something. So I cause myself the same pain I inflict on others, only slightly worse.

2. To forget. My past, recent and from years ago, haunts me. Everything I've done just crashes down on me and I feel the need to forget, so I focus on physical pain.

3. It's a drug. In my case, cutting is like a drug. Once started, it's extremely hard to stop because I desire the feeling associated with the sting of a blade slicing my skin. I want to feel the release from my mind. It's kind of like I'm trying to cut myself out of my body so I can be free. A cutters (and other self harmers) mind and body is against them, trying to get them to give up.

Those are my reasons. Most people, once they find out, say the worst things imaginable to us.

Example: 'You just want attention.' 'Don't you know how much your hurting your friends and family by doing this?'

Those are the worst things to say to us. Yes, some will do it for attention, it's their way of crying out for help, but the rest of us want the opposite. That's why most of s hide our marks, so no one will know and take it away from us. It's our sense of control. I hate myself more when I do it, and by hating myself more I do it more. That probably doesn't make sense, but it does to me. At least these cuts aren't as noticeable as before. Now their on my thigh and the lower side of my stomach. That way they won't be as easy to see. It doesn't make it any better, I know. I should tell an adult about my problem, but I don't want any one to know. It's not like I intend to kill myself any time soon. I simply have to deal with clinical depression and the urge to cut, that's not a big thing yet so no one needs to get involved. Right? I mean I'm not that bad am I? Ok, so maybe I am that bad, and a freak, emo, cutter, ugly, monster, rude, not as thin as I used to be, and just over all an awful person. That is all I can think when I look in the mirror, I haven't thought a positive thing about myself in years, I may never think of myself in any good way again, but I don't care. I have people that claim they love me (whether I believe it or not, which I don't cause how can any one love me?). I guess that's all for today. Bye.

Artistically yours,

H