Dear Diary

Entry 31

Dear Diary,
Hello. Ever since the kiss I haven't felt the need or urge to cut!!! I am actually happy about that. And I swear on my life every time I replay the kiss my heart will literally stop for a split second. What did I do to deserve G? Cause whatever I did I would like to know so I can find out who to thank for this. I'm in second hour right now. I'm am happy, but my depression still lurks under it, waiting to drag me down again. I don't know how to get rid of it. No matter what I do I still have depression that never disappears. I still haven't cut, but I'm almost to the point that I want too. I can't believe what I'm about to say happened at school. Before I continue with the story I need to say that I have ADHD. It effects me in the physical way. So third hour I was working on my civil war project with G and C when it got bad. To the point I couldn't stay still or focus on what I was doing, if I tried I would loose it and start moving uncontrollably. I was better by fifth hour but after my little episode I felt really weak and drained, it was so bad that I felt like I could collapse from it. No I do not have any medication for my ADHD. My mother doesn't even know I have it, I usually lock myself in my room so she can't see me like that. I'm sitting at home right now and I still feel really drained but I really just feel..... off.... I just feel incomplete. I'm longing for G's hand holding mine, or his arm around my shoulder. I wish he was next to me right now. I miss his lips on my cheek. I'm going to remember typing none of this tomorrow. I mean all of it though, I feel so weak and just wish that I could fall asleep in his arms right now. I would really love that, as it is I'm probably going to fall asleep on his shoulder on the bus to a tennis tournament tomorrow. Is it bad that my mom doesn't know about my depression, or ADHD, or anxiety, or schizophrenia? It probably is, but with how her life is right now I can't worry her with anything else. Her boss is a fucking pervert who continuously puts her down and looks up a lot of porn around her. It's highly inappropriate and when she comes home she will sometimes take her anger out on my grandma and I. I don't want to worry her anymore. Plus I don't know what I would do if she found out about my depression. Knowing my mom she would make me stop seeing my friends and isolate me. She wouldn't understand that would only make it worse. I wonder how much of a lecture G got for his grades. I mean when I told my mom I had a D in algebra one I started to cry. Just last night she was threatening me with the fact that if I ever got below a C she would make me break up with G and stop letting me see my friends. So when I told her I burst into tears out of fear and stammered it out. She told me that if I could bring it up then I could stay with him and my friends. Still, that really took it's toll on me. Threatening me with things that may not seem like a big deal to others. To me it's a difference between my sanity and an asylum. If it weren't for my friends I would be mental right now. Jeez I still feel so weak, like no joke I feel like I can barely even stand right now. It's never been this bad before, I'm usually back to normal in the course of about two hours. I don't know why I still feel like this but I don't like it. Ugh, I'm so tired and it doesn't help that my fucking mattress and pillows suck! G's more comfortable than my bed. Ok since I could collapse at any minute I'm gonna say goodbye now. Bye!!!

Artistically yours,
H