Dear Diary

Her Past

Dear Diary,
Ok. I'm going to open up a little and share some of my past. I was born in fort sill Oklahoma. On nov. 9 2000. I'm pretty sure my dad cheated on my mom the whole time they were married. He finally walked out on us for whoever he was cheating on my mom with when I was two. I moved on with life and almost forget that I had a dad and to be honest I didn't care. When I was six he came back demanding visitation rights. He got them after a few court battles with my mom. The first few visits were hell cause I got blamed for everything that went wrong and my step sisters would beat me up. I don't remember which visit it was, but my dad suddenly told my mom that she would never see me again. She got me back a few days later, but I had cuts, bruises, and just looked awful. I was six when it happened so I don't remember much about it. Then school started, I go from abusive step sisters to bullies. No joke, I've been bullied since kindergarten. It took some time but I finally made two friends so on the days I wasn't being bullied I would hang with the boys. The same people tortured me until second grade when I met someone who helped me get rid of them. Being so vulnerable I became her pawn in a way. I was so desperate to stay away from bullies that I did whatever she said. I caused some people hell just so she would protect me. Every time I close my eyes I see what I did to them. Then she moved in fourth grade and I tried to straighten myself out because I fear my family. It was fifth grade summer when my dad put nothing but fear of him in my heart. I don't really remember what he did, but I'm still terrified of him. Ever since the kidnap failure I've had panic attacks at the sight of a car that looks like his. When I see him I stop breathing for a while just out of fear of what he might to pull while I'm with him. All through elementary school I was bullied in one way or another. It didn't stop when I went to middle school. Fifth grade was just mental torture, that was the year I closed myself off from the world and staid silent until spoke. Too. Then I met C who kind of opened me up a little. Sixth grade was mental and physical bullying until I was moved into the advanced classes. That's where I met T. We started to get to know each other there and got a little tighter in seventh grade when we stuck with the advanced classes. I managed to mostly avoid bullies, still had the names in my head. I've self harmed for years, like, since I can remember. I picked up cutting in eighth grade. T and I became very tight this year. Last year as a sevie I got to kind of know G. This year we've started dating and really like each other a lot. T still teases me about when I had a crush on him and he was totally oblivious to it. Now a few people tease me about being in love with him. Over the years I've caused a lot of people a lot of pain. I have done as I was told on numerous occasions and attacked people physically and mentally in an effort to protect myself. I beat myself up over it ever day of my life, I won't forget. I constantly play the names I've been called in my head, I play every bad thing I've ever done to people in my mind, just to torture myself cause I can't forgive myself for doing all of that. So to forget it, or at Lear numb it, I discovered self harm, then I found that cutting was more effective and lasted longer. That was before I had G, with him the pain disappears and doesn't come back until he's gone. That's when I go back to cutting. It's everything that I've done, and all the bullying and my family drama that gave me my depression and worsened it. This year I haven't been bullied that much, so the self torture is worse. I always degrade myself. Saying all this bad shit about myself that I believe to be true cause countless others have said that. G says that none if it's true, and I want to believe him, but after years if hearing it I'm having a hard time believing anything good about myself. My dad still rules most of my life by guilt tripping me into doing whatever he says. Being so scared of him I do it. My mother yells at me when that happens. Then my grandma starts to yell at both of us. I used to yell back in an effort to defend myself, now I just take it and then lock myself in my room and cry. I'm probably just a lame ass bitch, but that's what keeps me from being happy. Especially since my mom still yells at me almost every other day. She still brings up my dad even though she knows that I'll just get mad at her when she does. She doesn't know that it worsens my depression and sends me into a type of shut down mode in which all of these memories just take over and make me want to die on the spot. That's my past, judge it all you want, but it haunts me, causing me nightmares, kiss if security, and the loss of all happiness. My bad overwhelms the good. I have little to no good in me, I'm just broken and the shattered pieces are still breaking into smaller pieces. It won't stop and I don't know if it. Well that's my shady and still not that clear past but that's the general gist of it.

Artistically yours,
H