Dear Diary

Entry 21

Dear Diary,
Hello again. Ever since I typed that thing yesterday I can't close my eyes without the memories attacking me. I've been trying to fight the urge to cut all day. All I can see is water above my head. Once when I was with my dad we went swimming. I was in the deep, and I mean really deep, end if the pool playing volleyball with the adults. I guess I let go of my floaty when I reached for the ball cause the next thing I remember is I was suddenly under water and couldn't move much. I remember how pretty everything under water was. I remember the feeling of pure terror when I couldn't swim to the surface, the realization that I might drown. I can still remember the feeling if the water trying to push its way into my lungs, the black and white spots that dotted my vision when I lost all my oxygen. Then as everything went black and I was about to pass out and/or die I saw a figure dive down and grab me. The rest of what happened is fuzzy. My dad claims that he was the one that dove down for me, but I don't know if he's lying so he sounds like a hero or if that's the truth. It was really terrifying and I'll never forget it. I even knew how to swim and couldn't get back up, I don't know what kept me under. Here's how I think of death and suicide, I'm ready to leave the world, but I'm not ready to leave G. Not yet. I figure one day, if I want him to be happy, I'll have to let him go. He won't find happiness with me. I ruin and shove away every good thing that comes to me. I wish that I wish that I could be selfish and keep him for as long as I can, but I don't want to hold him back. He deserves and could do so much better and I'm found to make damn week sure that he finds it. He doesn't deserve a broken little cutter who can't accept that something good can happen to her. He deserves someone that's not lying when they say that their good. He deserves someone that can make him as happy as he makes me. Someone who can accept that the best man in the world likes her, and only her. I still can't believe that he chose me. Even when there's so many people who are better than me and better for him, he chose me. Why? Why did he choose one of the most broken people alive? I wish that someone could piece me back together, I wish someone would show me that it's possible to be happy, but I don't think anyone cares enough to try. I think G is, but whether it's out of pity or the fact that he cares, I don't know. Ok. I'm done for tonight. Bye bye.
Artistically yours,
H