Dear Diary

Entry 19

Dear Diary,

Hello. I was talking to G last night and he said some really sweet things that I've never heard anyone say to me before. He keeps saying that he'll help me through my problems and I hope he can, but I honestly don't know if anyone, even him, can make me feel safe again. My problems might disappear, but I'll never feel safe. I have my dad to thank for that. Ok, I have been listening to 'Try' for hours now and it's coming very close to leaving me in tears. I love the song, but omg the lyrics. It says you don't have to try so hard. I've been trying to change, I've been trying to stop cutting and other things, but naturally I failed. G says that I don't have to change, that he loves me just the way I am, but I want to get better. I'm trying. It's easier when I'm with G. When I'm with him I don't feel the urge to cut, I don't feel depressed. I just enjoy having his arm around me. Then I get home and all of it comes crashing down on me. How I feel like nothing but a burden etc. To much to list. G says that we'll make it through this together but I don't want to feel like I'm dumping my problems on him. I just want to be with him and not have to think that I need to cut or something. I can't take it!! I want out!! I want it to stop! The pain is too much... I can barely see the screen right now because of the tears.... I was thinking, I cut to forget about the past, it's like getting drunk or something so everything is numb. I still cut though, even though I have G, my rock, the reason that I'm still breathing, I still have to forget the pain. I have to. What happens when I snap?! I don't want to loose my friends, I don't want to be taken away. I just want the pain to go away, it's unbearable. I may be weak because of that and I know I'm weak, but it still hurts so much... As it is I've added about three cuts just in the last hour. I can't take it anymore, I'm done, I've let everyone down, I can't close my eyes without every bad thing that's been said about me flashing in my mind. Most of it's true, but I believe all of it, even the shit that's not true, and it hurts. It won't go away, even with the physical pain, I can't shake the mental. It won't end and I don't think it can anymore. I'm loosing hope. It's like G could be a drug, he helps me forget about the pain while I'm with him, he makes it better. Then I get home and it hits me hard and I feel the urge to numb it. So I do, but at what cost?! I can't take off my bracelet anymore for fear that my family will see all of the cuts, the blood still coming out of some of them. I have to keep my razor hidden, I have to constantly move it so no one will find it. All because I'm a sorry excuse for a person who can do nothing but live in the past and torture herself with it. I just want it to stop, I want to be happy without having to numb the pain all the time. I want to finally be able to tell the truth when I tell someone that I'm fine. Instead I'm always lying so I don't start crying in the middle of one of my classes, or in front of my family. That's all I can take for today, so bye.

Artistically yours,

H