Dear Diary

Entry 24

Dear Diary,

Hello. I seriously wish I had a razor, any razor, I can't take it. I'm going insane, literally, it's like the episodes won't stop and I want so bad just to hide and cry from how awful it is. Then there's the fact that without it I can barely control myself and keep from totally snapping in front of my parents. My dad started texting me again. I DON'T GET WHY THE FUCK HE KEEPS TEXTING ME!!!!!!!!!!! He hasn't said a single word to me in about three months and then he goes and acts like the last time we had a conversation was this morning. I hate the fucking bastard but I'm to scared to say that I don't want to see him any more. I don't want him to kidnap me again, I like living with my mom, no matter how much she annoys the shit out of me. It's one of the reasons I want to fucking snap at her or just give in and go mental. Maybe then she'd leave me the fuck alone. She wants me to be social and shit. What if I like being anti social and alone, for the most part. I don't like people, except my friends, so why can't she get that through her thick fucking skull and stop bugging me while I do my damn homework. It's bullshit. MEH......... I can't stop it!!!! I can barely go five minutes without having a major episode. They won't go away. I want to believe that their real and reality is just a dream, but I want to believe that their fake too, so I can stay with me friends. I could get another razor, I should, no I shouldn't, I don't want to keep disappointing G, he saw my wrist today, I'm such a failure and a bitch. I want to stop, I want help, but I don't want to be locked up in a fucking room unable to see my friends. If I was locked up it would only get worse, if I couldn't see my friends, or G, I would die, literally. Their what's keeping me alive. I don't want to loose them. I wish it would just end, I wish that I could last longer than a fucking day without wanting to slit my wrist over and over again. I almost miss the pain, the only thing keeping me from believing the lies fed to me is the pain. I need help, I'm about to break down against my will. G told me to go to him if I was ever about to break down. I want to, but he doesn't live anywhere near me and he's grounded from his phone. I don't want to break down yet, I want to wait until my mother is asleep so I can just cry myself to sleep. That's what I always do, but today I'm really close to just curling up in a ball and sobbing my eyes out. I'm scared, I'm honestly scared of what's going to happen. I don't want to loose everyone, or my strength. What little I have anyway, I'm barely holing the tears back right now. I can't stop it, so if I can't stop it does that mean that I can give in?

Artistically yours,

H