Dear Diary

Entry 4

Dear Diary,

Some times I feel like dying. Then other times I feel in a way, happy. It's probably just me lying to myself but I think I feel happy sometimes. Especially when I'm with G and T. I feel loved. Not at first, but after awhile. I still feel like I deserve death. But maybe it can wait a little while. I really just want my razor so I can delay my breakdown though. Meh. Help me someone. I don't want to be this person, yet somehow I am. Can I go back to that sweet little girl that disappeared years ago? G thinks that he can get me to open up. Here's the thing. I want to open up, but I'm scared. I don't want their view point on me to change. Another thing is every time I get a friend or a boyfriend, I immediately start to prepare myself for when they inevitably get rid of me. I'm honestly surprised that G hasn't dumped me yet. I hope that he doesn't. Am I allowed to hope? After all that I've done, can I hope for better? G says that I deserve better, that I deserve happiness, but can I ever be happy? Or will I always be this sad, broken girl with no hope of being saved? Do people like me? Does G actually care, or is he just toying with my emotions? Waiting for me to break. What would happen if I break? Asylum. I would shut off. I would cry myself to sleep, but never in front of someone. I would stop talking. I would never show emotion again. I would die inside. I would become nothing but an empty shell, waiting for death so I wouldn't have to feel anymore. People always say that when people finally cry, it's not because they're weak, it's because they've been strong to long. I haven't cried in about a week. Does that mean I'm back to being strong? Or am I shutting everything out again? It feels like the closer someone tries to get, the farther away from them I try to be. Why can't I trust people to get close to me? Why can't I trust that they won't hurt me? I want to believe that it's because I've been betrayed to many times, but I think that I just want to be alone. I believe that I'm not worthy of friends, or any one that cares about me. Oh well. I guess I'll just keep trying. If that's what I'm doing. I never know anymore.

Artistically yours,
H