Dear Diary

Entry 6

Dear Diary,
Fuck literally everything. I've lost count of all the suicide notes I've written in my head, just today. I mean, I was actually told to "go fucking kill" myself. I was just scrolling through one of my insta accounts and that was there. I was so temped to tell them that yeah, maybe I would. I didn't though. I was a good person and blocked them. But God it pissed me off. Mainly it just struck home. It made suicide a serious thought for me again. I mean it was already a serious thought, it just made it worse. The voices want me to do it. They even cut me just to punish me. I didn't bleed though. I felt the blade, I felt how deep it went (which was pretty deep for a sharpener blade), but it didn't bleed. It barely hurt. I tried rum again. This time, though, I mixed it with my coke. That made it taste a lot better. I didn't get drunk though, I wanted to, God I fucking wanted to. But I didn't. I only drank enough to make my head pretty fuzzy. Made my thoughts partially stop. I can only imagine how I'm gonna be in college, drunk every damn weekend probably.

I ended it with R. Don't know if I said that or not. But yeah, kinda glad I did. I mean he was actually a perv, he tried to grab my boob. . . . So I guess the voices saved me there. I mean, I probably wouldn't have cared that much if he did, but the voices just happened to be screaming at me when it happened. So yeah, just kinda ruined the moment. Poor R, I made him mad. I wanted to explain to him why but I doubt he would've believed me. As it is that night I cut worse than ever. Like it was so bad that blood was running all the way down my legs. I felt really light headed and a little dizzy. The voices claimed it as my reward for doing as I was told. It makes me wonder what the punishment would have been. It doesn't matter now though. I'm alone. I'm closing myself off again, only this time it's on purpose. I just can't withstand being torn apart again.

FYI, this entire thing was typed in one day. I've just spaced it based on topics. Hey would any of you care if I died? I just wanna know. How many of you would honestly care if I killed myself? Or died of natural causes? Please comment and tell me.
I guess that's all for today. I doubt anything else is gonna happen today. I'm actually gonna take all the new entry's and make a new dear diary type thing. Only it's gonna be called "Hey World" lame I know. I also deleted the other entry's off of this and put them in the other one. This entry will stay here but it'll also be there. It that made sense. It just makes it way less confusing for me. So thanks. Bye.
Artistically yours,

H