Dear Diary

Entry 10

Dear Diary,

Hi, guess I'll start with how my solo went. I got a two. Lot better than I thought I did. I thought I got a four or a five. So whoopdi freaking do. Note the sarcasm. Ugh, I just can't be happy. I'm done, with life, with my worthless and unrealistic dreams. Someone just end it. All I can feel is guilt, anger, regret, and depression. I'm giving up on happiness. Same with life, it doesn't even feel like what I have is life so how can I give up on it? I don't want help anymore, I may need it, but it won't make a difference. I'm too far gone. I kept thinking about this yesterday, I died inside years ago, like not long after my dad kidnapped me and I came back, only to be bullied more. I was so young and just couldn't take it. I guess that's when, in a useless effort to save some part of me, I never thought about that. Now that I've remembered that, I don't know what I am. If the real H died inside, then what does that make me? A memory? If so, is that why I always feel pain from years ago? What if I'm some personality I didn't know existed? If I am, then what was H like and can she come back? I've always felt broken and that's why. I'm artificial. The original inhabitant of this body is dead, so the body or what was left of the mind created me, but I guess it didn't quite succeed. I'm still just a sad, broken girl with very few emotions. I listed them earlier so I'm not typing them again. *Sighs* Why do I have to be broken? I know that sounds selfish and I feel guilty for asking that, but why me? Why can't I be entitled to happiness instead of depression, guilt, and anger? Did I get left with these emotions because this is the last thing the real H felt before she died inside? What did she do to deserve that? I'm the one that made most of the mistakes, which in turn kinda made me this. What did she do? As far as I know she made the same mistakes that most little kids do. I'm the one that made the bad ones. *Cough cough* suicide *cough cough* and a few others I try very hard to suppress but my "family" keeps reminding me about. Should I commit myself to an asylum? No, they might put me in a straight jacket. I can't handle that, ADHD and claustrophobic. I would freak. Great, wanting to die no matter what, and I all I can think about is how much it would hurt G or T. I hope that I'm right when I say that they don't actually care about me and are just toying with me. That'll make it easier when they ditch me. If I keep that in mind it won't hurt as bad, right? Wait, what do I care? I deserve any pain that comes my way, after all, I'm just a replacement for the person I/who once was. If I told my "friends" this, what would they think? Would they still be my friends or would they think of me as nothing but a fake and leave me sooner than hoped? How would I handle that? Who am I? If I'm not H than who am I? Why am I here? Can she come back? If she came back what would happen to me? Would my "friends" like her more than me? Or would they get rid of both of us? Ok, I'm done for now.

Artistically yours,

H