Dear Diary

Entry 35

Dear Diary,
Hello. Does anyone know what love is? Most will probably think love is your crush saying "You, me, movies, Friday." You would be wrong. Love is staring into someone eyes and seeing your whole future play out in your mind, and they're the one by your side. It's them making you happy with just a smile. It's that person taking your hand and making every fiber of your body screech "Never let go" while you just smile like an idiot. Love is you with your best friend that you could be with till the end of your life and even in the after life. Can anyone say that they've found that? Now a days people date as a hobby. People should date someone they could spend eternity with. I've found love. I found my infinity with G. I don't know if he feels the same, but I know that I will do anything for him. I'm used to being used, by everyone. He doesn't use me, he's fixing me. He may leave me for someone else eventually and when or if he does, I'll let him go. If he's happier with that person then great, that's all I want. If he stays with me, that's my happy ending in the story of a lowly peasant and the handsome prince. The prince rescues the girl from herself and shows her the light. G rescued me from my mind. I'm still in shadow, but I'm getting closer to the light. He's given me a sense of warmth and love that I've never felt, not even from my family. That will never change, he'll always be the one who saved me. He'll always be my night in shining armor.
I can't take it. I've tried to get better, I've tried to be happy, but I can't. I've failed yet again and I'm done. I don't want to be like this anymore and I'm not. I'm not going to live like this if I don't have to. So I'm just not going to live. I'm done being depressed, done trying to cut myself out of my body in a vain attempt to free myself. I'm done with all the pain I keep inflicting on myself and others. I'm done with everything and I'm sick of living. Maybe I'll run away, or maybe I'll get my grandpa's gun out. Anything to end it. Every one says that most problems are temporary, well they may be, but depression is my everlasting problem that's making my life hell. Depression's causing more problems to the long list I already have, so I'm done. No more. I wonder how many people will cry. Even if some do I bet every one would forget about me in the matter of a month, probably even less. I hope my friends know that I love and care for each of them. I always will, but I don't know how many of them feel the same. I've spent my time trying to be the person my friends want me to be that I've gotten to the point that I can't anymore. It's like they don't know me anymore. So how can they miss someone they barely knew. Once I'm gone, I wonder how many will have the guts to say that they knew the real me, not just the me they wanted to see and saw. I'm not her, I'm just broken and dead. I figure I'm already dead mentally, why not be dead physically too. It makes sense. I hope that G knows that I do love him, I don't want to hurt him anymore, that's why I'm even contemplating this. It doesn't matter if I'm dead or alive he'll always be the one man I truly love. I hope he finds someone better than me, someone who'll treat him right and give him what I can't. So goodbye. I may never type on this again, whether I'm dead or just ran away (I haven't decided yet) I might not talk again. Goodbye.

Artistically yours,
H