Dear Diary

Entry 17

Dear Diary,

Hello again. Last night I went to the carnival with G. We rode a lot of rides and when we went on the Zipper we heard on of our other friends cussing really loud. It was funny. I cussed in high pitch voice. While we were on the Ferris wheel G kissed my cheek twice. Once for each time we rode it. He either had my hand or kept his arm around me for most of the night. I was actually happy. It was really nice. I didn't have my bracelet on yesterday so while we were hanging out with G he saw my wrist a few times. He says that It's ok and he understands, but I know that I'm just letting him down. I'm trying to get better, but all I am is a disappointment and a failure. I know I am. So why do people tell me otherwise? I've done nothing but disappoint people. Sometimes I wonder if it would've been better if I didn't let anybody know my secrets. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I wasn't anorexic, schizophrenic, bipolar, the list goes on. Most of all I wish that I could stop cutting. G says he doesn't like when I'm in pain, self inflicted or not. When I hurt others I wanna hurt myself more. I can't stop. I even cut again this morning. I'm not proud of!!! I hate myself more and more every time I see my wrist. I hate myself, my actions, my everything. I can't see any reason that anyone would like me at all!!! I'm nothing. Just another broken girl that can be added to the hundred others like me. So how come I have friends? It makes no sense what so ever. Will it ever end? Probably not. I wish it would, but how would it? I give up, there's nothing that I can do to help myself, so I give up. I'll just hide behind a mask and hope no one sees through it. If they do I'll just make a new mask. I do't want people to see me rot away. I don't want any one to me break down or cry. I just want to be alone so I finally break and rot away in some corner, never to be seen or heard from ever again. That's all for today.

Artistically yours,

H