Dear Diary

Entry 40

Dear Diary,
Last entry people. I wanna start by saying thank you too everyone who read this book, it means the world to me. I love you all!
Now to begin the entry, I reallt don't know what to write. Yesterday, I don't know what came over me, but I just started crying a lot. I didn't hurt myself, but that was one of the things that made me cry more, I texted G and he helped some and even then I started crying harder every time I saw he sent a reply. I thought I was just bothering him, I should've just cried silently and not bother anyone. I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought that doing this would help, but it's done nothing. I'm still the same broken girl I was when I started this, if anything I'm worse. I can't look in the mirror without wanting to scream every negative thought I can come up with at myself. I can't look in the mirror without seeing my demon. It's never me in the mirror, it's just my demon that I can't shake or get rid of. I can't hurt it. I hate it, but at the same time I feel lost and alone without it. All the pain it brings me, I feel like I deserve, that's why I cut, I deserve the pain. I'm just a monster. I hoped that by this time I'd be able to say something nice about myself, but all I can say is that I'm tired. Everyday is a battle with myself that I always loose. With every loss I loose myself more, I disappear while the demon takes me away. What will happen when I finally loose the war I waged on myself? I just don't know what to do anymore, I've given up. No one, not even G, knows how to help anymore. They don't know how to get me better. It seems like they've given up, taken a step back. Why do I care about that? They should leave me. They're nothing but pretty little lies I gve myself, and then tear away when I ruin them. I give up. I'll keep living, but it's not for me, I'm only living to keep my "friend" happy. I don't want to live. Most people lost to suicide don't want to end their life, they want to end their pain. That's why I wanted to do it. I almost did too, but for some unknow reason I'm still here, I'm still suffering with every breath I take. It's so tiring trying to fight, when it would be so much easier and better for everyone if I just gave in. They wouldn't have to deal with me anymore, and I'd be shipped off some place where I couldn't hurt my '' friends " anymore. It would be better that way right? I don't know, I feel like I don't now anything except my pain. It clings to me, and I cling to it cause I don't know how to live anyother way. I have gotten worse, I don't do just regular cuts anymore. Sometimes, when my demon wins, she makes me do things to remind myself why I'm like this. She made me carve words into my sides. The bad thing, I'm everything I wrote. I'm a liar, I'm a cutter, I hate myself, I'm fat (I am, most of myfriends are thinner than me, even G is thinner than me), and I'm ugly. I am, my scars and my mind have made me so. I should never have started this, if I didn't then no one would know what's wrong with me, and I could be dead right now. I could be in some asylum right now. Instead I did this, and my " friends " tried to change my mind when it came to suicide. They try to help so I'm not shipped off. Well guess what world! It doesn't work! You try to help me and I shove you away cause I don't want help! I'm perfect;y fine like this. Yeah, one day I may make a mistake, but that's my problem. People should avoid me, not run over and help. G fears that one day I might cut to deep. There is that possibility, one day I may go deeper than I want, but that's not his problem. If that were to ever happen I wouod want nothing more than for him to move on with life and forget me. Then again, what does it matter what I want?! I want a lot of things, most of which I'm never gonna get so what's the point in wanting them? I'm not gonna cut to deep, no matter how much I want to die, I won't, at least, not until I know my "friends" won't miss me if I do. I shouldn't have done this, I really shouldn't have. I guess this concludes entry 40. I'm sorry if anyone was hoping this one would be happy, but guess what, there's no such thing as a happy ending in the real world, so get over it. Some people are just to broken to fix, I'm one of those people. So why would I get a happy ending? Hmm? Exactly, I don't deserve one. I probably never will too. Well, thank you for reading this. It means a lot. So goodbye. I will write other stories, and those stories will hint at my life in some way, but I won't write on this again. Goodbye. Since this is my last chapter on this, I'll say my first name only.

Artsitically yours,
Hadley