after all this time?

this is for you

Camila's POV

Being with Lauren on tour was weird. Every little thing reminded me of when we were on fifth harmony, but then she wouldn't go on stage with me so it wasn't the same.

But having her there with me was definitely making things easier. Last time I went on tour I was feeling down, asking myself if that's what I really want to do for the rest of my life... I don't think i got the answer yet, but I'm glad I don't have to be alone this time.

- You coming?

Lauren was standing by my side, waiting for me to wake up from my thoughts. We just had dinner and have to come back to the bus.

- With you always

...

I did the last show last night and tonight is the VMAs in Las Vegas. Lauren couldn't go (and she didn't want to, honestly), so I wasn't super excited, specially after so many days with her.

- It's gonna be cool!

I was facetiming with Lauren on the phone and she was trying to cheer me up.

- Then come here

- I can't, you know I have to do this work thing

I stopped for a minute so the makeup artist could apply some lipstick. Lauren was watching me.

- Okay, we're done with the makeup so I have to go. I'll hand my phone to my manager, okay? Talk to you later

- Alright. Do you know when?

- I don't think it'll talk long, just usual

- Okay. Camz?

I looked to the screen.

- Yeah?

- You're the most beautiful woman on earth

I love when she says that but I blurry every fucking time.

- I love you, Lo

- Love you too

...

I was sitting on my place after doing the whole ritual on the red carpet. Billie Eilish was sitting by my side and I was going crazy inside but keeping it cool outside.

Justin Bieber opened the performances of the night and the first winner was Billie. I was running on two categories so I was a little nervous.

After Rosalia's performance one of the categories I was in, best video, was announced, but I lost. The next one was Best Song, which I was running too.

- And the best song winner is... Camila Cabello with "Pick me up"!

I was so surprised it took me a while to get up and hug my producer, and then finally walk to the stage. I was running with so many great artists I can't believe I won!

I took the award and went to the mic trying to think about a speech. I can't stop looking at it.

- Okay, now that's crazy

Everybody laughed and I felt like my mind was completely empty, couldn't think about a word.

- I wrote this song to a very special person and I didn't even thought I would put it out because it's so personal, but I'm so glad I did. Not only because now I get to bring this shinny award home, but also because I could tell the whole world how I was feeling and I think that's the most important thing as an artist. I wanna thank all my fans for being with me in my worst days, my family for always supporting me and...

I looked up for a second. So many familiar faces on the crowd, so many amazing singers, producers and songwriters looking at me.

- And I wanna thank my girlfriend for giving me the courage to be who I am and to live a beautiful, powerful love with another woman. I love you Lauren, this is for you

I tried to imagine her reaction while I was coming back to my seat. I imagine if she was surprised by my win or if she was sure I would take this award. I know she was sure. She always says I don't believe in myself as much as she does.

...

I was going to my car to finally leave. I have my phone back but the battery died, so I just want to go to the hotel to charge it up and then go back to Miami to see Lauren.

- Camila?

I heard a really familiar voice calling my name. I thought if I should just get in the car and leave, but decided to look. There was Shawn Mendes.

- Hi - I said.

- Hi!

For a second all we could hear was the steps and conversations of other people going to their cars on that parking lot.

- Nice win! Congrats

- Thanks

I didn't understand what was happening exactly.

- Nice to see you! - I said and opened my car's door, but he took a step closer.

- Wait!

He looked nervous. I probably do to.

- Camila... can we talk?

- Hm... I don't think I have anything to say to you

- Well, then just listen

I was bitting my lips in nervous. This is so uncomfortable.

- Look, I think you made your point pretty clear on your documentary, alright?

I put my phone and my award inside the car. Shawn came closer again.

- I want to apologize

I took a deep breath and looked at him.

- Really?

- Yes. I shoot the doc right after everything happened. I was hurt and I was wrong. I'm sorry

- That's not an excuse

I was getting angry. Oh my god the audacity.

- No, it's now, that's not what I mean. Can we go somewhere to talk?

- No. I'm going home. Back to Lauren.

Hearing Lauren's name paralyzed him a little.

- It all happened so quick, don't you think? I wasn't prepared to lose you

- And you think I was prepared to fall in love with someone else? I wasn't. But it happened

The parking lot was empty now. I was holding the car's keys on my hand.

- What did I do wrong?

I wanted to roll my eyes. I can't believe he's acting like a victim after the hell he's making me go through.

- Why Lauren? What does she have that I don't?

- Shawn, you and me... it's just not happening, okay? Despite Lauren. We just don't work anymore, can't you see?

I could see he was holding his tears and it broke my heart a little. Maybe I am being too cruel to him, after all it really happened fast.

I walked to him and gave him a hug. He held me strong.

- I'm sorry - I said on his ears and went back to the car, finally leaving. When I looked on the mirror he was still standing there.

...

I was mentally tired after seeing Shawn and still had to go to the hotel and then find a airplane ticket back to Miami. I'll probably be there only in the morning.

I almost ran through the hotel lobby, praying that I wouldn't be stopped by anyone. When I opened the door I almost fell back: Lauren was sitting on the bed.

- Oh my god you're here!

I waited for her to get up and hug me but she didn't. Something was off.

- Lauren?

She finally looked at me, then showed me her phone. It was a picture of Shawn and I on that fucking parking lot.