Words are Words (Dan Smith - Bastille Fanfiction)

Chapter 40

***

The atmosphere mirrored my mood. It was cold, icy. I felt as if I was going to slip at any moment, no grip on the soles of my brown boots. The tips of my ears were gradually reddening from the temperature, along with my nose. I tightened my folded arms around myself as my lungs contracted, turning ounces of breath into what looked like what a dragon would breathe, smoke flying out from the corners of my mouth.

I had come to the only place I immediately thought of. A place to put my mind at ease and where I knew I would not get disturbed. Sometimes I just want to be alone, and this would be evident in the place where no one but Dan and I visit.

My eyes flickered, searching around the gardens as I attempted to avoid the endless shards of ice; pooling on the ground underneath me as I took a seat on one of the nearby benches. It's light oak colour had darkened from it's dampness, but still I sat.

The black coloured book was removed from the inside of my jacket, my nose sniffing as I took out the ink pen from the spine. I flicked through the pages, finding the latest blank one and beginning to write, my knees being brought up in front of me to keep the journal up-right.

Dear diary,

I couldn't hold in the emotions today.

I sighed and scralled out what I had previously wrote.

Forget that, I always write that.
Today, I don't even know what happened. If I say it was a break up, then I'm admitting that there was something to let go of. Yes, well maybe there was. And whatever it was, it's lost... now. I say now, because it never was before..infact it was just being found. Found in the depths of my life when I most needed it...

It doesn't matter anymore. The despair is still present, it was present behind his eyes when I told him. I just feel like, like nothing. Emptiness. A black hole. A small blob of paint on one big canvas. That's all I am. That's all we are.

I let him go. I shouldn't have to involve him in this but at the same time I don't want to feel like this! I want to feel like I did the last few weeks. And now, those feelings which were usually there have disappeared. Not like when he showed me this place, the place where I am now. What am I doing here?

I whispered the words to myself as they were scribbled. As I spoke, the emotions increased.

I have to get out. I must get out.

***

My eyelids were closed, but the impression which was being given to the people sat around me, was just that; an impression. And a false one. I couldn't fall asleep. I couldn't relax although it was all I wanted to fulfill as I dreaded the long journey ahead.

I caught a train away from the place I was previously dwelling in. I thought this treatment would be good for me, but I had been over thinking the whole way.

If I couldn't sleep, I thought to myself, my thoughts would be blocked out with loud music. I rummaged in my rucksack; placed on the seat beside me, pushing the earbuds firmly in my ears and turning up the music as loud as I was willing for it to go; to which I got some strange looks from the old couple protectively sat on a few seats away from me. I cleared my throat and this time, instead of closing my eyes, I watched the window to the left of me. Watching, waiting for something remotely interesting to take my mind to another place. A better place.

Out of nowhere, my phone buzzed in my hand, causing me to gaze my eyes down to my lap and scroll through the, to my knowing acknowledgement, five missed messages. To be honest it was a shock, I was expecting more, even though I was glad that people weren't bothering me as much as I thought they would do.