RIGHT IN THE FEELS (a compilation)

Flinch

"You don't drink coffee. How come you are too jumpy?"

Oh. How I hate that about me. How I jump every time somebody touches me. How I never fail to flinch every time somebody's tone raises. I even tremble a lot. I'd be lucky if it'd just be my hands that'll shake involuntarily, instead of a full-blown whole body shudder. 'Cause the latter usually takes hours to subdue, it sucks.

"My nervous system's beyond fucked, don't worry about it," I winked, stepping a few steps back.

I mean, how can someone strip you away of how to normally function? How can one person break you so bad it affected your every system?

I can still feel how my chest constricts so hard whenever I am having an attack. It's like I'm being squeezed, like my chest is being pulled somewhere from the inside. And then I cannot breathe. And then my heart will physically hurt I have to force myself to get a grip and breathe.

It's pathetic. I force myself so hard to breathe when I can't that it hurts me even more. What the fuck am I supposed to do then?

I hate how I'd still cry whenever the pain is too much. Whenever the panic takes over my need to breathe, and then crying won't make anything better. It'd just make it harder to breathe. And then the pain is not just in my chest, but spreads up to my throat.

There are times wherein my skin begins to itch so bad, I can't do anything but scratch it until some of the skin breaks. I won't even stop when it bleeds. And then I'd be left with ugly little abrasions.

It's fucking painful. Too painful I'm itching to strangle the next dumbfuck who'd say mental illnesses are only in your fucking mind. 'Cause if it is, if I'm only thinking about it, then why the fuck can I feel it and why in the hell does it hurt and fuck my body up this bad?

"Have you... asked for help?"

This time, instead of answering, my mouth curved into a smile.

I can't. How can I ask for help when I'm still in the battlefield? You only use your adrenaline after fucking up your attacker, not while still being attacked, as it won't make a difference when they're still in your vicinity aiming to kill you.

Will there ever be a day where I won't flinch? Or will I be spending my every day for the rest of my life completely, utterly fucked?

I am so tired.