RIGHT IN THE FEELS (a compilation)

Leave, Live

"If you don't like him, then why are you hurting?"

I snorted, stupidly since I was drinking water from my tumbler, causing the liquid to enter my nostrils and making me sputter them everywhere.

"Dude, I was drinking because I was having a hard time breathing as it is! Were you trying to kill me? Don't kid like that!" I still chuckled while scolding her playfully.

Making fun of our struggles is a valid coping mechanism, right?

I heard her sigh, I bet in exasperation since she's also throwing daggers through her gaze as I feign nonchalance.

"Oh, shut your face! Why the fuck is your chest physically hurting then? We literally just saw him and suddenly you can't breathe?"

I giggled again, making her more furious than she already is, if that's even possible.

"Chill the fuck out, will you?" I glared at her through the mirror before rolling my eyes as I slowly regain my composure.

The gods must be smiling at me from above since we were right outside the powder room when I saw you, but then the devil must be working harder below since I'm not supposed to fucking see you here.

Not today, not goddamn ever again.

I heaved an irritated sigh. "I don't have any feelings for him, not that I have to explain myself to any of you. I had a panic attack because... I know what I lost. I know I let go of a good one and it sucks."

"Honey, you literally were the one who ended things between the two of you."

I licked my lips as I recognize the judgment in her tone. Like she's telling me I literally can choose otherwise.

I can't.

I gently massaged my chest more with the heel of my palm. "I know what I lost and it sucks because good things don't have a place in my shitty life. I can't drag them down and let them drown with me. I was already selfish letting them in, not letting go means I succumbed to selfishness. Not giving them a way out means they have to endure hell with me."

"Did it ever occur to you that they have their own will and you can't just choose that for them? What if they want to fucking drown with you, endure hell with you, instead of being kicked out and for what? For their own sake? What do you think they are, goddamn highschoolers who needed guidance?"

I gritted my teeth in annoyance.

"Why the fuck will they want that? Love is fleeting, they'd fucking recover from a broken heart. They won't fucking redeem themselves from a shattered soul. I should know, and that's why I chose for them. They'll fucking live. Without me, they fucking will."

And that made her shut up. My lips also thinned when someone entered the room. I gave her a scathing look as the woman enters a cubicle, daring her to open her goddamn mouth. She didn't.

Of course. Redemption isn't possible for the wicked. She should know, as much as I do. She's a part of me. A part of my endless severed pieces. And we detest each one of us bit by bit.