Here All Along

chapter 1

Mine was a family that stayed quiet most of the times. I was a single child (which makes a lot sense why, now that I'm older) and my parents were both doctors and were required to commit to their jobs more than someone who was not a doctor. At least that's what it occured to my childish brain. There were always caretakers who looked after me since i was an infant, from what I remember as much as my memory allows. It was until my mom saw the news on the tv about a nanny selling a child for four hundred bahts to a prostitution centre. Mom was worried because I, a three year old boy, was both - pretty and shy and would not bother to cry if ever a nanny dressed me up and sold me.

Since then, aunt Chu, mom's younger cousin started living with us, primarily to take care of me in her absense and also because mom wanted her sister to have fun in life. Although she would sometimes, read me bedtime stories, I was not very fond of her. She had really big, spearlike nails that she'd take no concern in trimming and they would leave scratches on my body everytime she'd wash me up. I don't think she ever noticed. I don't remember if I ever said anything about it. I still believe it wouldn't have made any difference, had i told her to snap her nails short. She actually seemed to adore them. Sometimes, she'd swirl her greasy locks with her fingers and sing in Mandarin. Her singing annoyed mom but dad seemed to like it.

A year later, aunt Chu left home and I was told that she was to marry her Chinese financé. I remembered nodding my head even when I knew it was lie. She was having an affair with dad and Mom saw them kissing in living room while they thought she was on her night duty. They tried to keep me out of all the adult mess like they always had but I remember the night she found them red handed, mom came to kiss me good night. Her eyes were red, cheeks dry and pale but her hands were warm as she squished my cheeks against them.

"Do you want to see grandma grandpa?" she asked, "we can have a mini holiday. Dad has some work here so he won't come with us. Okay?"

Her hands and lips were trembling but the weak smile on her lips didn't falter.

I simply nodded and asked her.

"Is dad a bad person?"

I wished she would say no. I liked him. May be that night, I didn't. May be, I kept liking him less with each night that followed.

She said, "no. But he has done something terrible."

"What?" I asked.

"I gave him something and he gave it to someone else" was my mother's reply and I wanted to ask more of her, to speak less vaguely but she was crying and I hated to see that.

"Is that a bad thing?" I asked to which she nodded.

Her dry hands enveloped mine and I felt her rapid pulse and the dampness of the skin. Medical equipments had probably hardened her palms but I liked that holding mine were soothing her.

"When someone gives you something that is precious to them, you must protect it with all your heart. You don't give it to someone else."

Saying that, she looked at me as if she waited for an affirmative gesture and so I nodded again.

Those few words that my mother said to me over her incessant tears should not have meant much to a four year old child but that night, those words engraved deep in my heart, though I did not know yet.

I simply moved a little, making a space for mom and she sobbed, lying next to me. My small hands patted her tensed back. I felt like an adult even though i was unaware of so many things.

Mostly, i was unaware how those few words my mother said that night were going to shape my entire life.

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