Here All Along

chapter - 39

In the course of time, i began losing my interest in Orange bricks. No doubt, it was a successful company and took care of my needs fairly well. But something never fit. Or i didn't. I wanted to publish my own stories, not edit those of others i did not even know. There was no space for personal growth. Dew and Nani were satisfied with their office life. So i often refrained myself from discussing it with them. However, it came to me as a surprise when they themselves broached the subject, asking me why was I still wasting my ripened years in a stale atmosphere of that company. It was not bad. It was just not for me. I started exploring my other options. I had earned a well reputation in the publishing field. I wanted to try so much and all at once. To build my agency that could help budding writers to publish their works. However, publishing my own book someday was still a distant dream. It was strange, how I'd start with one idea and then hop on another until each of them were mixed up in a disarranged puzzle ball, leaving me no conclusion. I guessed a lot of us were like that - passionate but clueless about where to channel our passion for this crazy thing called life.

It was either the overthinking about work stuffs or the growing stress about Win or both (which i believed the case was), i gradually lost my weight and appetite and sleep and everything in between. I became a lifeless mass of muscles and bones, stranded and lost, breathing only so much to survive. The strange thing was, i didn't even realise until a few collegues pointed out. One day, i even passed out in the lift, only to be found by a night guard. My only two friends were dramatically worried about me and dragged me to see a doctor. It was fatigue, mostly but nothing to be tensed about, as the doctor said. It was cruel to ask someone, who had lost all the reasons to smile, to smile more often.

It was also that day when I met Dr. Neen, aunt Irin's oncologist. We were both surprised to see each other.

"I had a meeting with board members" she explained, "but why are you here? Not keeping well?"

"I'm fine. Just tired. My friends forced me to get a check up."

"They did the right thing" she said, "you don't look very healthy."

I laughed awkwardly, waiting for her to excuse herself so i could proceed home.

"How are you all doing?" She asked after a pause, "I'm really sorry..."

"No don't.." I said politely, "it wasn't anybody's fault."

"You never visited again" she said, smiling amiably.

I frowned. I was surprised to learn that she expected me to keep in touch with her. Not that i told her so.

"How's Win? And his family?" She asked.

"Yeah they are..they are good. I should go" i said, sounding more curt than i had planned to.

"Call me sometimes if you want. We could chat over a cup of coffee. It was nice to have a friend outside the working sphere."

I smiled easily this time and nodded approvingly.

Friends..i could use some, if i was not holding onto the one who hadn't come back yet.

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Four months after that night, i saw Win again.

He was standing on my door, biting his nails anxiously and getting startled when he saw me.

I just stared at him, a grand relief washing over me to see he was fine but an acute anger filling my bones. I displayed neither emotion on my face, hoping it would hurt him a little.

We did not talk when i let him in my apartment and silently sat in the living room. For some reasons, i dreaded the thought of Win in my bedroom again, ever. It was also the thought i yearned for the most.