Here All Along

chapter - 41

A/n: so many of you have been asking about Win's pov. I don't want to give spoilers but i can just say that there will be Win's pov but it won't be a typical narrative where you'll find out his side of story since the beginning. You'll know what I mean when it comes. Of course all the doubts you have will be cleared as the story moves forward. Give him a chance.. there's so much about him yet to be revealed but don't completely depend on his pov. So I'd suggest the same i did earlier.. rely on whatever other characters derive of him and the little things he's doing.

.....

My counseling with Adam soon commenced. I was apprehensive, yet hopeful for things to not weird out between us. However, a glimpse of Adam's professionalism during our first session dissipated my doubts well. Like every client, i was asked to abide by the terms of our contract. Our sessions were to be conducted in his office and ended right there. In the first two sessions, he did not begin with any practice like i had assumed. Adam had always been subtle with his intentions and gestures. Even in my therapy, he did not shed this disposition off. He'd let me have my time to think and resolve my inner thoughts before replying his questions. Sometimes, I'd take more than half an hour to answer a word. Sometimes, I wouldn't answer at all. It was tough to talk about Win and me with Adam. But then, one day he suggested me to ask him the questions in return and see if it helped.

It did. Asking Adam how did he cope up with his divorce, his separation with his son, his break up with me and basically everything that we never really talked about before and hearing him express calmly but not indifferently about it all suffused in me, a sense of courage to put my faith in him too. I realised (quiet strangely if you may add) that it was different to open up with him this time, for he was no more a man i shared an intimacy with anymore. He was a doctor. And i found myself slowly letting him see my vulnerability, now that he had let me see his. It did not scare me that much after a some time. I figured he was teaching me to put the same faith in people, not just one person particular. To be able to own my story so i could recite it bravely to others.

"Sometimes we need others to come forward and cut their hearts open before we can show them our wounds too."

"Why?" I asked.

He thought for a while and said, "to make sure we are not abnormal to bleed so much red. Call it a defence mechanism of subconscious mind or just a trick we go by. We all prefer to hide our pain than display it to someone who hasn't dealt with it themselves, fearing they might not understand us or even worse, misunderstand us."

"Win never misunderstood me."

"Do you think there was a point when you failed to understand him?"

I looked up. Adam was watching me carefully.

"I don't think so" i said thoughtfully, "he's the only person i understand very well."

And then, in just a slight whisper, "or may be used to."

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My sessions in the first weeks primarily included a slight shift in my routine - small baby steps to fix my screwed sleeping arrangement and even miserable diet. It was not anything drastic but i hoped it would make change. Adam said to hope is to come half way through.

One day, when i went to his office, he handed me a notepad, earning a confused frown from me.

"I want you to write five good things you know about yourself" he launched, at last.

My brows shot up in surprise before i asked, "what?"

"You heard me right" replied he with a tone that held no space for arguments. I nodded and grabbed the pen in my hand. Its surface felt smooth on my sweaty, callused hand and i played with the nib, poking it against the tip of my finger in a hope that the pressure would stimulate thoughts out of me. I glanced out the window and then to the neon vase placed beside a printer and then on the blank, lustrous paper, then at Adam who sat patiently, watching me without his observational gaze (that sometimes felt like being under scrutiny) and then back at paper.