Here All Along

chapter - 7

The last three months i spent in Naurburi fleeted like a dream. So beautiful and surreal.

The more I tried to seize every moment, the lesser i could focus on the moment but the fact that my store of these moments would soon be empty and i would not get a chance to refill. My mind recited the horrible reminder again and again. Loud when I'd be with Win, louder when I'd be alone. Yet, those months were the best three months I'd spent in that endearing village which had nothing but overwhelming love for its natives as well as visitors. I did not believe anybody was a mere visitor in Naurburi at first place, for whoever came, Naurburi owned them as a family. I wondered if Chirang would accept me as whole heartedly as my village. I highly doubted it would even recognise me. Nonetheless, i was prepared and mute, like an obedient son my parents wished to see when they arrived.

My last night at Naurburi was the one I have the clearest memory of. It had rained aggressively in the evening and wind was racy but pleasant on our faces, sweet petrichor strong in our nostrils.

I and Win were lying in the backyard like all the other nights except this one would see a morning that would not be anything like other previous mornings. He said the thought had made him depressed to the point he felt like throwing up. I suggested he didn't. He shoved my hand, i laughed weakly. Stars gleamed through his brown eyes as he looked into mine.

"What will you miss the most about me?" I asked, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear.

"Will I miss you at all would have been more appropriate question" he said.

"Will you miss me at all?" I asked, his lips zipped sternly.

"Your kind eyes, your rare smile and the evening escapades at the lakeside."

An easy smile played on my lips which he returned spontaneously.

"What about you?" He nudged my elbow, "what will you miss the most about me?"

"You" i said simply.

He rolled his eyes, saying I was being too mysteriously articulate. I think I just lacked words.

"You promise to visit every month right?"

I nodded, "I'll try in every two months."

He pouted.

"If you get a call from phi Earth at two am, just know it would be me."

"I'd still not pick up" i said and he got up clumsily, pretending to leave when I grabbed his hand and laughed, apologizing hysterically for not understanding the intensity of his grief.

I wished I could show a glimpse of mine. Even I was not ready to face it yet. I knew there was pain and i knew it was waiting to drink the life out of me and leave me numb. But I was borrowing whatever time i could to avoid this pain as long as i could. Once I'd surrender, it would slay me.

"I will think about you all the time" i sighed, "and it's hurting me more than words could tell."

"I won't like it here when you'll be gone."

"Don't lurk around lakeside too much. Study and help mae with her stuffs."

"Don't date around too much. Study and keep calling me."

I laughed but he was not amused. Instead, a tear streamed down his face, taking me off guard.

"Its funny how I'd do anything to keep you from leaving" he chuckled, wiping his eyes, "even call you phi if that stops you here."

I took him in my embrace as he silently weeped, my shirt sodden on the shoulder. I raised my eyes at sky, begging for whatever was welling up in them to stay where they are.

"Look at me?" I asked softly and he did.

"I am here Win" said i, "and you are here. And we will be fine."

I whispered, drawing lines in his back and pretending that the way he desperately clawed at my back did not shatter my heart.

I kept saying that we will be fine and at the same time, hoped that we truly will be.

May be, you do become fine after a time but it's always the days before you're fine, that you wish sky would crash upon you.

That night, i really wished the sky would fall onto us. That, or somehow, we could go up and hide in it. We were just two children who wanted nothing but an escape from the cruelties of world. May be we found it too, in those moments we held hands and believed we will be fine.

.
.
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I met aunt Irin and Win's dad the next day before we had to leave. Her eyes glistened with tears but she had a kind smile on her lips. She always had. I coiled my hands around her neck and felt the greed to stay in the safe haven her warm embrace was offering. She hugged me back and kissed my head.

"Take care my baby" her voice choked, "i love you."

So this is what a goodbye feels like, i thought to myself. The only other time I had to part with someone for a long time was nine years ago when I was to come to Naurburi and mom tucked me in the car, whispered a sorry and pulled away.

I was glad aunt Irin did not have anything to apologize for. In stead of regrets, there was a relief of knowing that she had given me the tenderest affection a mother could offer to a son who is not her son.

Phi Earth gave me a Manchester United t shirt as a farewell gift and shoved me for being so heartless that I didn't even cry. That made me laugh more.

Win was in his room and i stopped aunt Irin from calling him downstairs.

Last night, he told me he would not see me off. And even though i wanted nothing more than to just catch a glimpse of him, i walked out of his home. He said I should respect his choice. It was even hard to breathe.

Grandma was sobbing and grandpa promised me to visit after a month. I climbed in the car, my gaze devotedly hinged in the direction of Win's home.

I still hoped the idea of not seeing me for an uncertain period of time will provoke him to finally come and say his goodbye that i rightly deserved.

He never showed up and dad said we couldn't waste more time, starting the engine.

The car started, i was looking back at Win's home that was fading with every second. Soon, it vanished out of sight but I was still not turning around. I knew i would soon have to.

With that, nine years of my happy stay in Naurburi met an end. But i was leaving a part of my soul here, under the care of a boy who told me the hardest part of my absense would be the realisation that now he would have to learn taking care of himself, for I wouldn't be there to do it for him.

Friendships are strange. You choose someone out of a crowd and decide that it's this person who you're going to share your childhood with. Or youth. Or both. Or an entire life. And you never know why.

Ours was stranger. I did not choose Naurburi. I did not choose aunt Irin. May be, i did not even choose Win. May be Win chose himself for me. I guess I'll never know why. In any case, the warm fragrance of Naurburian air was slowly fading, in contrary with the rising panic in my gut.

I left. But i was leaving myself behind.

//End of part 1 //

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