Here All Along

chapter - 33

I practically ran from the parking to the hospital corridor, calling Win hysterically who was not receiving the phone now. I caught a glance of him from a distance and ran faster. He was sitting outside the room aunt Irin was admitted in. I shouted his name and he whipped sideways, found me and ran towards me.

"Shh I'm here now. It's okay. It will be okay" i kept repeating myself as he cried in my arms. I held him tightly, feeling my protective senses on activation like never before with every wail he cried. Nothing in the world had more potential to kill me than Win's tears, hitting my shoulders like pointed shards of glass. I kept patting his back while he wept. Amidst the series of hiccups and broken whimpers, he told me that doctors had given up on aunt Irin. They told him that the cancer had divided rapidly into her body and that there was no chance for her survival, suggesting to take her back to home.

"Did they say it to mae?" I asked in disbelief.

"No. They told me but mae sensed something was wrong because I couldn't stop tearing up. She forced Dr. Neen to talk and she told her at last. Mom wants to go back home, Bright. We had a big argument. I didn't know who else to call. I don't know what should we do."

"Stop crying, I'm here. Let's calm down first okay?"

I pulled him to a corner before sinking in the seat with him. He wiped his face and stayed just like that for a minute or so, his hands covering his face as he calmed himself down. I wanted to do so much to make him feel better but admitted that nothing really could so instead, i focused on not letting him feel worse all alone.

"Did you call uncle? Phi Earth? When are they coming from Naurburi?" 

"Tomorrow morning" he mumbled.

"I'll talk to mae. And doctor Neen as well. It's ridiculous they'd say a thing like that to a patient."

"But it's true, isn't it?" He sighed, glancing at me.

I did not want to say it was true. I didn't want it to be true.

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The thing about being strong is that it's hard to be strong but then, harder to realise that you no longer are. Aunt Irin was exhausted and had no intension to hide her biggest disappointment of failing to have borrowed more time than she already had. But there was still a shred of hope she sowed in us to finally let go of the impossible dream and let her free to live her last breaths like she had wanted in past few months. It was a complicated situation for so many reasons. There were obvious grounds to not support her wish. It was true that the expenses were arduous and in all the way breaking our backs and it was perhaps a catalyst for aunt Irin's unwillingness to continue the treatment, especially now that she and all of us knew it was going to be futile. Yet, I did not conceive anyone of us to be that hard hearted to be able to think through this option - ceasing her treatment and bringing her back to home where she and everyone else would stay awake, waiting for her eyes to close forever.

"But it will be good death if i die knowing i lived well in my last days" aunt Irin had said that night in hospital, her voice brimming with a hope, something ours were getting devoid of.

We assumed it better to stall the conversation for the night primarily because Win's dad was not there yet but also because we were still not ready for the conclusion it was going to bring.

It was one of the longest nights of my life. Aunt Irin had slept and Win insisted on sitting outside the room for a while. He was not sleepy, nor was I. We did not talk, simply stared at the people walking past us, the nurses running around, people talking over phones. There was a gloom in every sight that my eyes captured. Win was resting his head on my shoulder which I was grateful for, for it kept me in place, still and calm just like my company must have made him feel. I did not want to bring Kavin up but he hadn't talked much about him lately so i was concerned. When i asked him if he called Kavin, he said that he was on a social detoxification programme with a group of gypsies and that will return after a day or two. I nodded. Kavin hadn't been around much lately. Somehow, he was always too busy but I tried not to judge him. I did not even want to have anything with him.