Here All Along

chapter - 22

"Hey.." i barely whispered, shaking his hand with mine, "and you must be Kavin."

He grinned, fixing his glasses before looking through the glass window at Win.

....

We went inside the cafetaria to our table. Win froze as his eyes landed on Kavin but he soon recovered, a faint smile ghosting on his lips as he hesitantly returned Kavin's hug while his eyes were on me. I could read all the questions they asked but i myself had no answers.

"I'll take a walk outside. You guys talk" i said, patting Win's head in an assurance before leaving.

I bought a coffee for myself since i was still hungry and my food was perhaps still in my plate at the table, listening to two ex lovers pouring their hearts out. I cringed at my dark sarcasm and looked around for a proper place to sit. Win had once told me about a park right behind his academy. It was a pleasant evening. The sun was starting to turn orange and wind was gentle on my face. After a few minutes, i found myself in that same park where a few students, probably the swimmers from academy were scattered all around the park. I found a bench in a corner and settled on it, enjoying my coffee and the view of such a positive spirit inside the park. It was buzzing with people of all age groups.

The coffee did little to swallow the discomfort in my stomach. I leaned against the back of the bench, watching the sky that was exactly opposite of everything this park was; lifeless and crystal blue. Yet, looking at the sky made me feel better than looking at all the happy faces around me. I kept looking up until the vast blue was all I could see around me. Slowly, the noises around me reduced to distant murmurs and all i could hear was the faint drumbeats of my heart. There was a space above my eyes that gave my thoughts a shape. I could feel an overpowering desire to blend in the nothingness of the sky, to run away from life. It was good but sometimes, it felt just too heavy to carry alone. The shapes above my eyes grew uglier, sky seemed farther, confusion turned to clamour and I found myself lost, empty handed and with nobody to justify this cruelty to me. The faint drumbeats of my heart were now a series of loud thunderclaps and i held by breathe, afraid that with another puff of air, my heart will fall out too.

I drew my gaze from the sky to the people around me, laughing, fighting, kissing, playing. Something warm trickled at the corner of my both eyes before i finally released the breath i was holding. There seemed no point to have my heart inside me. I crushed the coffee mug before throwing it in the dustbin and covered my face. I wanted to scream as loud as i could but when I tried, only soft sobs escaped my mouth. But I didn't hold them back. My whole body trembled as i tried to keep it slow but it hurt, it just hurt so much that i wanted the world to end but prayed Win shouldn't have a scratch on him. The thought triggered whatever it was, a little more.

I started crying, for the first time ever in my life did i cry like that. I almost did not recognise who it was inside me because I never cried. Shedding a tear or two and that too rarely, was the closest I had come to cry. I was howling, wishing the anguish to die or to kill me. I felt insecure of everyone - the little kid in the park who was learning to walk while her parents shouted happily behind him, the boy who was stealing kisses from the girl sitting next to him while she smiled, reading a book but mostly, i was insecure of someone sitting in the café, perhaps at the place where I sat before.

"Ughh fuck.." i grunted and took a deep breathe before wiping my face. A man, perhaps an American, clad in an olive striped suit, was sitting at the adjacent bench, smoking and staring at me.

"You okay there?" he asked in a low voice.

I nodded.

"You were crying out quite loud" he said in an indifferent manner. He had a kind of smug face that made me want to dislike him but he was the only person in the park who asked if i was okay.