Here All Along

chapter - 48

Dear Bright,

Here's that letter you once asked me to write if ever I could not tell you the things i wanted to.

The first time I wrote you a letter was the night you made love to me.

You were sleeping right next to me. I could see the marks I had left on your shoulders. I could still feel you inside me. My lips still curled up in a smile because you said I am beautiful and I was too stupid to actually trust you. I always trust you Bright. It's one good thing I do in my life.

I was writing this letter while you whined in sleep, reaching out for my hand and settling for the pillow. Weren't you a baby? I wanted to come and hug you. But I also needed to finish this letter so you'll know that I know everything Bright.

I know you sneak in my bed on my birthdays, sniff my cheek (I still think it's weird) and plant a soft kiss on my temple before whispering your affection to me. It is the moment I look forward to the most on my every birthday. Even more than I look forward to the lists you make for me.

I know you asked Kavin to make up with me when we had our first huge fight. I remember getting confused because why would you suggest him patching up with me? Why didn't you try pursuing me then? Yes, I wasn't in love with you but may be I wanted you to tell me you still loved me before I could make a move. I saw you trying hard to bring me and Kavin close. And I didn't realise it back then, but I think my heart broke a little, thinking you were finally getting over me. I did not want to string you along by asking if you really did move on. I just wished you'd move on, if that's what you really wanted.

Oh and I also know the promise you made to mom. I heard you saying that you'll let me go if I hurt you too much. I cried that day, thinking how could mom suggest you such a thing. But I also realised how important it was for your own happiness.

I am sorry for being a terrible friend to you. You were my best friend, my only true companion since I've known myself. I was scared to lose that friendship for something more, something riskier, something fragile.

If only I could realise it was what I wanted all along - to make you exclusively mine. Or may be I only started wanting this after a certain point of time.

So when was it that I started falling for you? I do not remember. Do not ask me when. I just know that down the lane, I began to realise how you felt all these years I was close yet so far from you. I felt that when you looked at phi Adam and gave him the prettiest smiles of yours. I wish I hadn't been so ignorant.

Yet, I might be ignorant of so many other things in life but I'll forever remember that night. When you undressed all my fears that held me back for years and replaced the empty space with something deeper than the seas I sometimes dive in. You filled me with your love which is both - wild and calm, patient and desperate, powerful and fragile. Your love settles me with exceptional peace but also leaves me terribly hungry.

I'll forever remember that night when we were young and naked and honest with each other. The night you engraved yourself on my body, mind and soul.

I wanted you Bright and I wanted you more than I wanted you before that night.

And yet how did you sleep! So peaceful, so clueless to what you had done to me. Is it possible to be so happy and so sad at the same time? I was happy because I finally realised what making love feels like. And I was overwhelmed by a sadness that I wasted so much time to realise the most obvious truth of my life. When you called me by my name, I knew it was always you and nobody else.

But it scared me Bright. It scared me to the bones to think that I found this out only when my life was scattered out in broken strings, my heart a very vulnerable place. My mind was in shambles and I was still overwhelmed by the sorrows that kept hitting me like meteoroids. I did not want to love you with a heart that was yet far away from healing.