Write A Prisoner

14

March 30th, 2020

2 pm

Today is a beautiful day. I try to get my mind busy and it seems to be working, at least for now. Being on lockdown is not as easy as I thought. I really feel lonely sometimes. But anyway I have homework to do. I play some chill music and I immediately get down to business. After a whole two hours of study, I decide to take a break. My phone rings at the same time. I can't help but to smile when I see Randal's name on my screen.

Hey. How are you ? Look I'm going to be as straight forward with you as possible and I'm going to try to keep the letter brief but as concise as possible. I really like you but at times I don't feel like you feel the same. I let myself be vulnerable with you but you don't reciprocate. I've shared things about myself with you that I've never shared with others but when I try to get you to open up to me, you put a wall up and I no longer know what to do.

I feel like I'm a fairytale to you, something or someone who is surreal. Like no one in your life knows we talk. I'm apart of a secret unrealistic life you have and it seems like it's a game for you and nothing that will ever have a chance of becoming actually. That hurts me the most because I see something in you that I never had the chance of seeing in anyone else but I refuse to be a toy because I'm worth way more than that. You should actually want to tell the world that you're socializing with me because when I get out of jail, I will be rich and famous. But I'd never force you to be somewhere you don't want to be and I'd never have any negative emotion towards you. You are a beautiful soul inside and out and I really cherish you but I can no longer be toyed around. So if you really want to pursue something with me then say so and you can no longer talk to that other guy because I don't feel like it's appropriate. If not then I wish you nothing but the best and you can have your other pen pal and he can have you all to himself.

Randal

It's only when a tear falls on the screen that I realize I'm crying. Damn it hurts. I feel like shit now. Damn why can I stop crying like a stupid weak bitch ? This is the saddest message I've ever received. How can I tell him that I don't know how to deal with my feelings ? He pops up with a goodbye text when I've spent the last months thinking he was over me. I could never imagine I was that important to him. He seems like the type of guy who gets plenty of DMs. He never hid that he was in contact with many other females.

FUCK.

The fact that he thinks I'm hiding him from my people probably is the saddest part. The truth is I have no one to talk to. The last person I considered as a friend is gone. I'm so sad.

But I guess it's better that way. It's easier. I don't know what I feel exactly when it comes to him but it's not nor ever was friendship. Is it love ? Do I love him ? How ? We have so much in common that it scares me. How could I deal with dating someone outside my country and stuck in a facility ? But then what's the point of being with Jay ? Are we really together ? Am I in a relationship for real ? FUCK. I'm lost.

Hey, thanks for being honest, I'm going to be as honest as you. I do like you and care about you but not in the same way. I've always considered you as a good friend and I never thought of you being more than that and I'm so sorry if I let you feel like something would happen. When you talked about me being the female version of you, I thought it was just because we had a good connection, I saw us as good friends so we could lean on each other.

The only people who don't know we talk are my parents because I just don't know how they would react, they can be very judgemental sometimes. But I don't want you to think that I'm hiding you from my friends. Of course I tell them about you Randal, why would I hide us ?

Now about me putting a wall up, it's just how I am. I don't usually talk about myself, I'm the good listener type. But it doesn't mean that I try to distance myself from you. I just try to deal with my own emotions. But just know I do value your thoughts and I feel privileged to be the one you tell secrets to. I believe in you Randy. In you and in your dreams and I have no doubt that you'll break into music. I want you to know I'll support you in your goals if you let me.

I really am sorry if I made you feel like I was playing you because I'm not, maybe I should've been more direct. You are an amazing person and I know you'll find a great woman, a "better" match than what we can be, but I don't think I'm that woman. Over the course of time, I found myself catching slight feelings for him because our bond was just different than ours (you and me) and I kept it to myself. Then he just told me it was mutual a few weeks ago. But you said you would want to have me in your life no matter as a lover or a friend so I thought we could still be friends... If you want to. But if not, I still want you to eat even if I'm not welcomed at the table.

- Take care Randy

March 31st, 2020

Official, you made your choice. I commend and appreciate your honesty. It was nice knowing you. I wish you and dude the best.

I don't have any malice or hate in my heart towards you so don't never think that. I guess this shit just wasn't meant to be. But thanks for exposing me to a different world. Just remember my name and face !

You taught a lesson to me that I had to learn

And it's so sad cause what we had just took a turn

I shared some shit with you I wish I never did

I swear to God I regret everything I said

Randal Jamell Corey

Shit. It hurts to say goodbye...