Write A Prisoner

22

October 28th, 2020

well if you ever ghost me I will appear in your dreams *spooky emoji*ahah it's just with the current situation I get worried if I don't have news but it's okaaayy, I can handle the wait, I need to work on my patience anyway lol (but if it's like too long, I will call, believe me)

I do not know how you've been raised but from what I know about you and your impression on me, I think what you might have lacked of is support (?) from others. maybe I'm totally wrong but I think that you're the type of person who needs to hear "I believe in you", "I got you". I remember once you told me about your ex & how she left so I assume that's part of the reasons why you highly value loyalty and you place that quality as the center of everything, including your music. 

apart from that, we're on lockdown till December 1st at least so I'm kinda desperate right now lol.

but I'll put some money on the app as soon as I get paid so probably within a week.. till then, stay safe, mask on, & you better take care of yourself so I can stop being worried thankuu :-))

(ps: but Randy you do remember I have a boyfriend, right?)

To be honest I hesitated to say that last sentence. Saying I have a boyfriend is pretty much an overstatement. No actually it's a joke. A whole fucking joke. But it makes me feel good... Somehow... I feel like I have to. I feel like pretending I don't have a boyfriend means being unfaithful. I'm too emotionally attached to Jay, aka the guy who sees me as a living sextoy.

Fuck it. I wish it was only Randy and me.

October 31st, 2020

ctfu you're funny asl, but I fucc wit you. you my best friend!!! that's your title...
but no I had no idea that you had a boyfriend so I'm sorry if you felt like I crossed a boundary. it won't happen again. I think I'm content with our position, you are a charismatic soul and I wouldn't jeopardise it because of some petty shit...
soo from here on out I'm just going to support you on all of your life's decisions even though we'll never be able to be as I once use to want but you'll always be my homie and one day we'll actually get to kick it and enjoy each other's company...
show some of your female friends some pictures of me and tell them to add me on jpay and maybe me and them could get acquainted???

but its soo crazy how you are able to read me because what you said in your last email was 100% correct. you're very observant and intuitive and I commend you for it...

and thanks for your willingness to help me out financially, it'll never go unappreciated or forgotten :)
Randy

Listen to this song: "poetic pain" by toosii

FUCK. I hate myself so fucking much. Why am I wasting my time when this man is clearly into me ? I hate myself. I hate that I'm pushing him away when I only want him to get closer. I'm really ruining a potentially amazing relationship for some dumb shit.

Wendy, please stop being a mess.

November 31st, 2020

Sooooo. Jay has been released a couple of days ago. He told me he would need some time to get a new phone and number and blahblah before we get to talk. What's funny is... I don't have a number. But during my stalking-spree (does that make sense), I found his Snapchat username. I hesitated a lot but I finally sent him a message.

hey babe :) sooo do you have a number yet ?

hey yes its xxx xxx-xxxx

thanks :)

No "babe", no "I missed you", nothing. Lol.

You know what ? I really though it would be hard to let him go. But I think he was gone in my heart already. I pretended I still had feelings for him because well... I guess I wanted to say I got a boyfriend. But Jermaine and I are not meant to be. And I'm 100% fine with that. 

I take a deep breath. After getting rid of some intrusive thoughts, I delete his contact. This is not how I imagined our last conversation but it is what it is. I would've liked us to talk about what happened between us. He's been a stable part of my life for months. I shared intimate things with him. Like damn... I showed him my tits ? I (somehow) loved him. My feelings were real. But I guess I'll never know what he thinks. Maybe I was just one of the numerous women to provide him sexual services.

Am I sad ? Yes. Not only because I feel like I was played, but also because I genuinely thought he would be a friend. A real friend, and a partner. But I'll be fine. It was not meant to be.

Now fuck it.