Blossoms of the Dark

XCIV Shouto: Redemption

Are emotions always this complicated, or is it because I try to detach myself from them that they feel complicated?

I mean, with my father, it's simple: I feel angry whenever I see his face.

With my siblings, I feel cared for.

With outsiders, I feel nothing.

But with Hanada-chan, I don't know what I feel.

There are six basic emotions: happiness, sadness, fear, disgust, anger, surprise. I would include a paradoxical seventh: apathy. These are emotions I understand separately and only tend to feel separately. But right now, as my thoughts storm around Hanada-chan, I feel all these emotions coiling and twisting: some directed at myself, some directed at her, all of them at what I'm about to do. These do not feel like a step-by-step math problem or a sequential, well-planned scheme.

And I hate it.

But I'm not going to back down. I spent all of last night preparing for this.

As usual, when I enter the classroom, Hanada-chan is already there. It seemed ages ago, but here she is sleeping just before class starts. The sense of déjà vu hits again when I observe her posture: head propped up by her arms, arms resting on her latest novel, closed eyes, and silent but even breathing. Woven in her currently dark hair are white tulips. Even a black curl from her chignon is out of place! But I physically hold back my hand to prevent it from reaching out. If she lets me. Only if she lets me, I will touch her.

All the while, I'm still staring at her, summoning the guts to do what I intended to do. This is also unlike my typical, confident, unabashed self. It must be the tempest of emotions, I reason. By chance, I glance at the clock. Only ten minutes before the bell rings!

It's now or never, Shouto.

I call out to her. "Hanada-chan. Hanada-chan, wake up. There are only a few minutes before the bell rings, and if Aizawa-sensei catches you nodding off, there's no telling what punishment he will dole out. Extra homework? Another five laps in the training field? Maybe paying for his morning coffee for the next three months? Not that coffee helps him to be any more awake."

She rouses and groans. "Mmm? What's that about coffee? I'd like some coffee ... with milk ... and honey ... Lots of milk." Cute ... She rubs her bleary eyes and puts her glasses on. Finally, she's awake enough because her eyes widen, and she exclaims, "YOU'RE ALIVE! Good morning! I'm alive! It's nice to see you. Alive that is. Ah! Please ignore that! I'm rambling. I'm sorry!"

I chuckle. "Yes, I'm very much alive. Is this signature of you to comment on someone's mortality status as the first thing you do when you wake up? I know I'm socially awkward, but even I don't embarrass myself to that level."

She averts her gaze and blushes. "I meant no offense. I was just-"

"Startled," I finish for her. "I know."

That blush fades, making her somber. That was not my intention. Great job, Shouto.

To lighten the situation, I reach into my backpack and pull out my wrapped present for her. "Yesterday, you said it was your birthday. From the way you didn't reveal that fact until I asked you and how you said it was nothing important, I figured you didn't want to make a big deal out of it. But, I wanted to give you a birthday present anyway.

"The thing is, I overreacted yesterday. I should have kept my anger in check and not released it like that on you. I scared you when I trapped you between me and the wall, and that wasn't right of me. Normally, I'm not like this, but that doesn't excuse my behavior. So I want you to have this. If you don't accept it as a gift, then I ask that you accept it as my apology."