Blossoms of the Dark

CLXIX Shouto: Conflicted

In less than a week, winter break will begin.

But it's only a break in name.

Meaning that I will be at Dad's office all day, receiving his tutelage.

Before I get caught up with my responsibilities there, I have to meet Mom.

Although her letters wrote that she was doing better, seeing proof of it is much more relieving. I organize the bouquet of autumn bellflowers I brought for her in the jug by the windowsill. We talk about the usual: my studies, her gossip. She compliments me for the valor I displayed during that battle with the gang of robbers. It feels amazing to receive parental appreciation.

It's after the pleasant talk that she brings up the sensitive topic: Dad.

"I watched the news, so I know what happened to him. When Natsuo and Fuyumi came by last Sunday, they told me how your interaction with him after he was discharged went. I never got the chance to hear it from you. How are you feeling, Shouto?"

Good question. Except the answer is a lot more complicated than it should be.

"It's hard to describe," I reply. "Perhaps conflicted would be the best answer. But even that term is pretty vague. I told him that I was going to give him a chance; observe how he treats his family with his promotion. Yet sometimes I doubt whether I should have given him that opportunity. How will I know that he's improved? Will I believe that he is truly changed, or will I think it is a facade? Is he even worth forgiving?

"I mean, everyone preaches that forgiveness is the best remedy, but even you have got to admit, Mom: not everyone deserves forgiveness. Some crimes are just unforgivable." Like sexual assault.

Mom sighs in sympathy. She understands that not everything is so clear-cut as the world would like things to be. I love that trait about her. Having suffered at my father's hands, she tells me that she went through a similar dilemma.

She remarks, "Sometimes, I think if I had done more back then, things would be very different now. Scared of what he might have done to me, I let him push away Touya's ambitions, allowed him to train you however he liked, and permitted him to fracture our family. Maybe we could have been happier had I stood up to him and pointed out his mistakes. Touya would be alive; Fuyumi and Natsuo would not feel neglected; and I would not have hurt you." She looks at my scar. I open my mouth to tell her that I don't hold her responsible for it, but she lifts a hand, urging me to let her finish. "But those are speculations. The past cannot be changed. All we can do is accept it, learn from it, and never repeat it.

"Did you know, Shouto, even though your father has never shown me his face since I was admitted, he always sends a bouquet of those blue flowers to my room. I only ever told him once that those were my favorite flowers, and that was when he approached my family for a marriage. In his own way, he is repenting." She quotes Dad's declaration from the Hero Ranking announcement. "Just watch him. You are allowed to feel conflicted, and there is no hurry to forgive him or not forgive him now. I will not pressure you to make that choice because I trust you to make that choice for yourself."

Hearing that makes me feel so much better. Knowing how important it is to have your feelings validated is a lesson I learned today. I ask if I can hug her. She smiles, and very slowly we embrace. It is still a relatively new action for us, one marred with old scars, but it is soothing nonetheless.

Suddenly, I recall a significant detail that I forgot to tell her.

"Oh, do you remember that event I was competing in?"

"Yes?"

"My partner and I got first place."

She applauds as I pull out two gold brooches from my pocket.

The subject is a mood-changer.

She inquires about it; I comply.

The atmosphere livens again.

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