Blossoms of the Dark

CLVII Shouto: Azalea

Trigger Warning: 

- suicidal thoughts/urges

- strong self-hate

- agoraphobia

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Like the changing colors of leaves, time morphed from September to October.

And with it, it brought festivity and creativity.

Specifically, the U.A. Culture Festival.

Every department from the school is preparing for the event. Even my class supported my suggestion of a 'live performance' after hours of futile discussion. I think that was what it was called. Everyone's spirits are high. Except for one person. I can't even say that I'm surprised. Because whenever the atmosphere becomes energetic and optimistic, this person's minimal energy and patience drain like a whirlpool. Despite this person's catty pessimism, I love her.

So while the class is working on the finishing touches of the stage, lights, dance and music routines an hour before the actual performance, Selene compromises her effort in exchange for her silence. For a good reason, too. I think all of us pushed her too much and too quickly. Problem is, I was part of it, too, and I'm only realizing it now.

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When it was decided that Class 1-A would put on a concert for the other departments, the next step was to select who would part of which team: band, staging, or dance. Our classmates and I were gathered in the common room of the boarding house, discussing options. That was when Selene got up and headed toward the kitchen for some late night milk. And then when Kaminari exclaimed that Selene should do the piano because she plays it so often, she nearly dropped the carton.

"Wh-Wh-Why me?" she stammered. "Th-that means I will have to be on stage. In front of thousands of people. In a crammed, tight space. I'm sorry, but I refuse. Give me some other role." Kaminari persisted, but so did she. Selene was adamant that she would not partake in any role that involved her being on stage. Strange reaction, considering that she was the center of attention during the Sports Festival. But then she repeated something that I ignored the first time: "thousands of people in one space."

Of course. Her agoraphobia. How could I have forgotten? She had been doing better around people lately. Getting accustomed to their noises, lowering her defenses slightly, fearing human presence less. Even staying a little longer at school parties. But those were like footsteps. The live performance was like asking her to sprint ten kilometers. And I neglected that when I brought up the idea.

When the others started to inquire why she didn't want to in spite of being so good at the instrument, I spoke up. "You guys are invading her boundaries. She has already made her wishes clear, and it is basic courtesy to respect that. We can have her on the stage team, where she can assist with lighting and equipment. Hidden from the crowds' sight." I looked at her. "Is that okay?"

She nodded reluctantly.

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And she's been doing the best she can this past month. After being selected as one of the hundred qualifiers in the first round of the writing-drawing competition, she has been working harder than ever to secure our spot in this month's round. What with that and now this, it's a miracle she hasn't had a mental breakdown. Though, I could say the same about myself.

I think I projected my desires to escape onto her. Because both the competition and concert have been doing excellent jobs at helping me escape my thoughts. It's rather hypocritical of me. After realizing that I had neglected my emotions for Endeavor, I should have learned that avoiding them is not the solution. And I did. But look at what I'm doing now. Repeating my mistakes because distance and confrontation are the only mechanisms I know of coping with a situation like mine. A constant bipolar shift.