MUDNOCCHIO : AN AMERICAN PUPPET

DESPERATE CYCLES

"Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing see not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand."
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭13:13‬

"Ye hypocrites, ye can discern the face of the sky and of the earth; but how is it that ye do not discern this time?"
‭‭Luke‬ ‭12:56‬

Driving back home I get a call from my mother apologizing and wanting a holiday visit; telling myself I'll never see them again, especially with the possibility of stagnancy. Swearing that things were better now, a close cousin contacted me within the process to inform that his brother was being released around the same time. If decided to visit. I was hyped"cousin" was getting out so I battled mentally on that, until going back. Logical to rekindle some relationships then to leave. Making it back safe, a wave of nobodies began to reach out in regards to seeing them. Some I visited, some I parted ways. Eventually the majority was hating so I cut off everybody, even my old self. Soon as my cousin got out , a celebration was made , he asked me for $20 later that night claiming he wasn't going to make it home from minimum gas. Proposition was he'll send the bread back soon as he made it home, from his mouth "no bullshit buzzo, you know I got you!". Wiring the amount successfully, the app crashed. Reopening the app I seen he'd blocked me to transfer and receive money. Doing research, I applied for vocational school for a trade. Abruptly the school closed, and students were sent home for pandemic reasons. Months later, now available to re-enroll, vaccination was required to attend and I was also above the age limit. Old clientele, asking "I thought you left for the service!!?... You! You! You still good though youngin!?, because the rock is ass out here! And you always be looking out youngin". Telling the fiends "I ain't on that no more", "Nigga! I said I ain't got nun!" , "Old school?! Tell him I don't serve rock no more man, on my momma". Facing adversity, they thought I'm lying. Reuniting with uncles, I kept getting offered to put "money in my pockets" when visiting and politely decline in hopes in short term lodging. Settling in my mother's newer home, and briefly learning my way around; I couldn't help but obsess over losses in little timing. To clarify, prior to meeting the girl and wanting a legal lifestyle. Middle school, I was moved around in foster care and acquainted with a past girl from classes. Past girl would always laugh at my jokes and follow me around everyday so I thought nothing off it. Abruptly ordered back to my biological mother, many immature connections resulted. Occasionally thinking about old friends, the past girl was the main imprint in my thoughts. First summer back with my family, with worse abuse involved; my cousin (same one released from prison, but younger) who went to the same school would relay messages from friends and teachers, after my transfer. Down the line, past girl came into discussion and he was like "Oh yeeeeaaah! She told me to tell you she liked you cuzzo! She actually wrote a letter for me to give you, but I forgot it." I was like "For real!!!! Yo that's crazy man, everybody kept asking did we like each other and I would be like nah." Cousin said "Yeah man, she said she always liked you and didn't know you was moving, so now she's depressed because she ain't have a chance to tell you how she felt". Since that conversation I bugged cousin throughout the years to bring that letter, and not to forget it. Even messaged him several times on messenger to retype what it said, no luck. As time progressed with schooling, everyone got cellphones, so it took awhile to update with society. Fortunately reconnecting contact with the past girl via mutual parties, sharing my thoughts about loving her as responses would be silence when discussing. Possibly what my cousin told me was something to exploit; assuming I liked her a lot when kept asking if he'd seen or spoken to her. Losing her number again, after texting from various "friends" phones; I would promise myself to find her and fully express what needed to be heard in person without interruption. Decades into the present, I found contact with this past girl again and suppressed emotions surfaced. Excitement and nervousness, fresh from a bad relationship and career path I had nothing but time on my hands for "catching up". Everything I wanted with "the girl" was stemmed from the friendship I wanted closure from. If she wasn't interested I was much fine with that too, except each attempt to use my dealt cards at will, I was left with "well it's always tomorrow" jargon. Being positive in the situation continually, I convinced myself that all that happened, was a precursor to a finalized relationship regarding life's teaching for both parties. Reuniting with the past girl, she was obnoxious and mentally congruent to the girl I substituted with in the military. When visiting, she was talking abusive ex's and wanting pity whenever reserved. Right timing, I spoke my years worth of peace. Hoping a light came on; figuring we'll both accept where we were and move forward from there. No rebuttal after sharing because we wasn't meeting again, miles drove into another state were wasted yet again. Reaching back at my mother's house, from a long weekend; cellphone is now off due to seeing the past girl than her coming to me. Donating plasma and selling my designer clothing to the thrift. My addiction maintenance was on a weekly basis, wifi was unbearable, now being winter season and my vehicle is having issues. My car's engine light appeared and didn't find the cause, my brakes and rotors began to spoil, ultimately stuck as I once envisioned. Finding work, I landed several jobs but couldn't manage to keep them for low wages which prolonged me to buying needed parts. Obtaining the parts for repair, same individuals who begged me to visit and offered repair; or finding transportation, were all unavailable. Sitting in my car smoking and thinking about life, I noticed small mold dots I would scrub away from my car being stored so long. Two months later, my driver seat was covered in white mold; totaling the car. Calling "JUNK CARS 4 CA$H" I was fully at my mother's mercy, yet again. Paying $6k cash originally for the car, to sell it for $254 was worth getting smacked. I bought a zip and a half, then proceeded to laugh the night away. Scrolling down the internet, someone from my friend list liked the previous girl's photo, forcing me to see it even when I blocked her and her family. Photo showed her friend's graduation, which was posted and seeing the girl I dealt with, in the same neighborhood nearby. "You did all that ho'in, just to end back where I thought to take you from" I said to myself. Time progresses and now I'm getting belongings stolen in my mother's house. I came across my stepdad who was working in a pizzeria, happy to see me, thinking I was in the service until paraphrasing my downfall. He told me about my mother's irresponsibility, after she also kicked him out shortly before my arrival, couldn't agree more nevertheless I was being extorted.