MUDNOCCHIO : AN AMERICAN PUPPET

DESPERATE ETHICS

"Search me, O God, and know my heart: Try me, and know my thoughts."
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭139:23‬

"Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus."
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭2:5‬

Reminded of the past, my support system swiftly dissolved. Working odd jobs to purchase a new vehicle, my mother and associates offered to help find another car. My first car was a performance car and my plan was to keep that tradition, then second car was a luxury car which I sold because of the mold intrusion. Car shopping online, murmurs commenced about buying a performance car. Unaware these people slowing me down, hindsight I'll smoke and smoke for emotional stability. Tolerance is now smoking prior to eating,sleeping, boredom, and mostly motivation. Since I heard the HOLY SPIRIT, any and every attempt to feel HIS presence was essential. Homicidal, I carried a pistol with me; bought from a coworker, hoping something popped off like a confrontation or breaking point. I wasn't suicidal, but more concerned with past characters in my setbacks; I wanted niggas dead. Fantasizing on who to deal with then suicide by cop, as my "going out with a bang!" concluded. Spiritually attacked, disassociated me with reality, and being scared to see what HELL looked like, forced me to keep enduring trials. Balancing work and life, I found myself facing more past troubles like traffic offenses. Arriving back from work, I'd been mailed from the Department of Licensing informing me that my driver's license is suspended. In confusion I called every establishment statewide to get answers, only to get the run around via automated systems. Logging onto their website it showed my license was suspended due to unpaid speeding tickets in 2019, which I long ago paid on that same year. Finally contacting the courts I was able to be mailed receipts of compliance to fax over to the Department of Licensing. Recently the state passed a law stating if your license was suspended without the nature of wreckless driving or failure to appear, including speeding tickets which I proved of settling; then your case is waived. Incoming emails saying the law only applied to offenses in resident state not offenses charged elsewhere. No answers from the via phone nor email, I'm forced to schedule a in person interview in order to pay a reinstatement fee. On the east coast without a vehicle and smoking my emergency funds, bill allotments and garnishments hitting. Bills are fluctuating, snatching more than owed, increasing my drug usage. As I smoked to reflect on life, only myself to blame from perpetual victimizing, homicidal thoughts again, finding ways to die without it crime related or suicide, so I can finesse my way into Heaven. I was tired of living and tired of people. I truly felt my calling was met already, regarding I did everything and went everywhere I wanted earlier. Jobs overworked, for weekly $120 or 140 checks maximum, trying to stretch that for phone,internet,fuel,clothes to maintain image, collections, charge offs and a $1100 rent and maintaining a weed addiction. I just wanted peace. Weed was no longer getting me high, being indication to stop but now including a 40oz beer, with my weed intake. Bills maintained became expensive after seasonal trials lapsed to normal charging. Unto my knowledge I was ahead on bills, then additional fees and interest rates overturned my doings. Going off grid, deleting internet accounts and photos; once more I see a photo of the same chick from my struggles on the news feed again. Not only she gained weight but somehow enlisted in the navy. Confirming I'm under some type of spell, I knew someone was working against my anointing. Even then I wasn't hearing GOD like that around this time, but I peeped the signs. My faith increased, knowing that if GOD didn't love me I wouldn't be in such a Job or Joseph like position, and Samson in retrospect. Throughout time I became passive with trying live by the Bible and be a rags to riches epitome, nevertheless I continued receiving ashes.  Jealousy endured, it became more apparent my destiny has been hijacked and sabotaged from onlookers. Happy for the chick than angry, sense hating isn't a character trait. Hindsight I was bummed out, I'm working at a warehouse with my mother being my supervisor, and ride to work. As that was the female's situation while I served actively. Assuming my mother was "doing better" and talked me into staying in her home, ultimately she found any and every reason to keep me financially ill. Money management to maintain appearance and addiction, also wasn't enough funds to flip without drug trading. Whenever paid, I'm left with less than forty beans, which is smoking or fuel money in my perspective. As devils advocate even if I was sober, the money would be spent on food; mother doesn't cook nor food perseveres in her kitchen. Unfortunately coworkers got paid two days early from pay day, which was a Friday. Compared to me, the job only released my paystub on that Friday and I'm force to wait the weekend to get my money on the following Monday. Getting paid every three weeks, became a issue as bills pile before quitting. Living in sin was strenuous when promising to GOD not to deal rock again, hoping for a last minute miracle; my smoking increased, from inability to sleep and eat. Impossible to sell weed in this town, current legalization and always resulting to smoking for free, with customers as they talk in transaction.