One, two butterflies

Chapter 19

"I clearly remember when I first began to lay awake listening to my music, waking up and feeling tired. At first I thought it was normal because I was becoming a teenager. But then it continued for a few months. I'd lay in bed for a lot of the day and do nothing. Months, years passed and when I tried to look back it was all a blur. I began highschool and everything seemed to be a lot harder than middle school. I got lazy and slowly gave up on school.

I began smoking my last years of 8th for my 14th birthday. Yoongi always gave me discounts or stuff for free. Smoking didn't get bad until my freshman year when I felt the need to keep it in my pocket. My first attempt was when I was 15, I woke up in a hospital with my tired mom and the first thing I did was go into the bathroom and suffocate myself.

The next day I was in a mental hospital. I would be thrown in there for a whole year, maybe more. My 16th birthday was celebrated in there during my sophomore year. Summer came along, two attempts, four hospitals visits and then I walked through those doors one last time. That's when I met you.

At first, it felt peaceful listening to my music and being alone. All the drugs, alcohol, parties, late nights out and recklessness seemed like my only way of living. Yoongi made all these friends and every single one of them showed interest in me.

When I do bad things to myself, it feels so out of my control. I'll receive the impulse and know I cant do a single thing about it. Therefore, I let it take over me like I have my whole life. It feels like a cycle, that's what they told me. I was given mood stabilizers and anti depressants but my mom stopped getting them for me months ago. I was diagnosed with very very severe depression, it was no surprise.

Sometimes when it feels like I'm getting better, I don't want to. I don't know anything else but this horrible place I've created for myself. If one day I get better, every single bad thing that has happened to me, won't account. Every struggle, cry, cut and attempt, won't mean anything. Everything I did wouldn't be good enough and I'd have no reason to be the way I am

So I keep doing things I know are bad for me. I let my thoughts cloud my mind because if I were to ever feel okay, all my damage, wasn't good enough. Everything I ever did, will be meaningless. I'm afraid to lose that. I have so much control yet none of it all.

What if I'm stuck here forever?

What if I'm okay with that?

I don't know any other way to live.

It's not even living. All I'm doing is surviving. Every step, every morning, everyday, every assignment, every little event feels like a chore. The bare minimum is me trying to survive myself"

Mina had sat on the roof wrapped around the blanket sitting right next to the girl who had finally opened up to her. She listened carefully taking it all in. Her heart sunk every time she continued to speak. She hated knowing everything she had been through, she hated being able to offer little to no help. She hated that all she could do was hold her in silence within the blanket.

But Chaeyoung felt heard for the first time in her life. Mina had reassured and comforted her in such delicate way, a few tears escaped her eyes. They held each other until it was time to eat. Mina prepared sandwiches for the two who sat in the kitchen making plans for Christmas break. The girl loved the feeling of looking forward to things, especially when it came to Mina.

They spend the day mostly in silence, Chaeyoung was tired. They laid in Mina's bed watching movies until the girl fell asleep resting against the oldest's arm. Eventually, she shut off the lap top and readjusted herself wrapping the other arm around the petit girl. Drifting into sleep with a smile, Mina planted a light kiss onto Chaeyoung's forehead promising to never let go of her.