reconnect \\ dnf

21

george

I scroll through old pictures of Tate and I. It's been fifty four months since the day she died. Four and a half years since I found her on her bathroom floor.

I stop on the picture that used to be my background after she died until I changed it to Dream, Sap and I. It's a photo of us, both in our awkward teenage years, at the museum.

I hated the museum. I found it the most boring thing in the world, but Tate loved it. She was such a nerd, everything there fascinated her.

I go through some baby pictures, ones of us at the beach, our old house, a library, and tons of other places.

Then I scroll to the note. I took a picture of it the day I saw it and then the police took it. I decide now would be a good time to check up on my mum.

The line rings only once. "Hi honey, how are you?" She asks already sounding concerned. I miss her. "I'm okay mum. Just kind of sad today." I respond and sigh.

"I know baby, me too. I miss her, but I know she's watching down on us. I already went and visited her at the cemetery today. Maybe you can go later if you'd like?" She says. I wish I could join her permanently.

I take a minute before answering. "Yeah I think i'll go in a little bit." I say putting the phone in between my ear and shoulder and pick at the skin on the side of my fingernails.

"Alright, I love you and keep your head up. Please let me know if you need anything." She says. "I love you too. And the same for you... bye." I say hanging up.

I put my phone down and rub my face with my hands. I get up and change into grey sweatpants and a black hoodie. I slide on my shoes and grab my phone and put it in my pocket.

I go downstairs and slide through the front door before Sap or Dream will even notice i'm gone. I get in the car and drive over to the cemetery.

Once i'm there I park my car and decide to take the long walk to her grave to think about what to say to her. I get there and sit on the grass, across for her grave.

"Hi Tate... I know it's taken me too long to finally visit you.." I take an minute and breath because I can already feel the tears in my throat.

"I miss you so much. I can't help but feel the reason you're not here with me anymore is because I missed the signs..." I'm already ugly crying.

"Mom misses you. I miss you. So so much. I'm not sure how i've been going this long. I planned to join you a few months ago.. Someone came into my life and is helping. I don't know how much longer.." I choke on my tears. "..How much longer I can go."

My phone is vibrating but I ignore it. "I'm going to try. But I can already feel this is going to be the beginning of the end." I say trying desperately to wipe the tears to look brave, but they don't stop coming.

"I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't save you." And with that I kiss the top of her headstone and leave one of the little chocolates that she loved on the top, I know animals will eat it, but maybe she'll see that I thought of her.

I walk back to the car with my body slowly getting weaker from how much i'm crying. I get in and put my head against the steering wheel and let my self sob. Just let everything out.

I lift my head back up and slam my hands into the steering wheel and feel weaker and cry so much more. I put my head back against the headrest.

I give myself a minute to catch any breath I can get. I want to be in my bed. I start my car and head back home. I walk through the door and walk immediately to my room.

I throw off my shoes and turn off the light. I slide under my covers and lay my head on my pillow. I let the silent tears fall down my face.

I hear my door open and don't even have to check to know who it is. I hear his footsteps and then feel my blanket get lifted up. He puts his hand around my side and faces me towards him.

I keep my eyes down. He pulls me to his chest and hugs me. I let myself cry into him. He runs his hands through my hair and down my back.

"Cry it out baby. I'm here." His voice is softer then i've ever heard it. I pull my head away and look at him. "I wish you told me so I could've known to be here if you needed me." He whispers.

"But it's okay, i'm here now." He says leaning in and kissing my forehead. I take my hands away from myself and wrap them around him and grip his tee shirt and cry harder then I have all day.

And he lets me.