happiness is a butterfly

sycamore girl

She liked to pick at things.

When she was younger, she used to always pick at her nails. She would keep gnawing until she drew blood. She liked how the pain in her fingers and the taste of blood in her mouth took her mind off her parents yelling. She wore acrylic nails now, so this wasn't an option.

She went through a phase where she plucked her body hair with her fingers. She would sit and rip the hairs out of her arms one by one. She liked how the sting brought tears to her eyes, masking her tears from seeing her naked body online. She was shaved bare now, so this wasn't an option.

At home, she would sometimes pick at the wallpaper flaking off the wall. She would flick, flick, flick until her mother would scream and grab her arm to drag her away from the wall. She liked how it forced a drunk Suze to get up from the couch. Nate's house was maintained perfectly, so this wasn't an option.

So, as she lay alone in Nate's bed, she picked at her thoughts and insecurities. Her mind felt like a kitten finding a fraying woollen jumper: the kitten would claw at the loose thread and watch it unravel, and unravel, and unravel, until it pooled at its paws in a heap.

What was it about Nate Jacobs that made her want to ruin her life to be with him?

She liked Nate's confidence, his ability to walk into a room and demand everyone's respect. She wished she could do that.

She liked that he was tall and imposing, that his shoulders were broad and his arms strong. She felt so weak and fragile in comparison.

She liked he was broody to everyone else, so impolite and cold hearted. That way, when he smiled just at her or gave her a kiss, it felt so much more special.

She liked that he was dominant and controlling, that she could let him decide everything for her. She felt loved in her submissiveness.

She liked the way he fucked her, thrusting so hard and deep into her, like he was trying to melt their bodies into one. She felt validated by his passion.

She felt safe in his arms, she felt reassured in his words.

Until now.

It wasn't hard to overhear the conversation between Nate and his dad, after all they hadn't exactly kept their voices down. She had heard how Nate's father wanted him to leave her to raise their baby alone, but that he would be financially supporting Cassie. Like money would make everything go away.

Nate hadn't said anything about their conversation afterwards. He merely kissed her on the top of her head and said he would be back, which could be good news, or bad news.

You trust him to know what's best.

Her options felt quite scarce at the moment. She would rather sleep on the side of the road than give her mother and sister the satisfaction of returning home. She couldn't turn to her friends either, for obvious reasons. She couldn't count on her dad, or any other member of her family.

If Nate dumped her, she was truly screwed.

Lexi would tell her that this is what abusers do - they love bomb you and alienate you from your inner circle, so you need to rely on them. You only have them and you're forced to stay.

But Lexi had no idea what it felt like to be loved by Nate, she had never gotten to experience or feel what Cassie did.

She felt like Nate could see right through her, like his gaze could pierce her soul and flow through to her mind. He understood her and what she needed. He saw and heard her. She had gone through life feeling like she was screaming under water, like her mouth would open and no sounds would come out. Like her lungs would be filled with salty water any time she tried to express herself.

Sure, guys found her attractive. She could smile and get her way.

She was always shamed though, about her choices, her looks, her sexuality. They judged her.

If you send a guy nude photos, you're bringing it upon yourself.

Cassie had heard that sentiment many times over the years. They could never understand how terrified she was to reject someone's love and attention, regardless of its nature. How scary it was to say no and maybe never receive that love again. What if no one ever loved her? Some love, no matter how toxic, was better than nothing.

If she said yes, if she gave them what they wanted, if she let them use her body, they would shower her with love and affection. They would pour her a drink at a party or ask her to prom. They would call her beautiful or wink her way. They would carry her books to class or help to her car when she twisted an ankle. They would hold her hand at a carnival or kiss her by her locker.

Until they tossed her to the side.

And she would be right back where it all began.

Nate was different though. He had saved her from her darkest times. He had given her love and shelter. He had chosen her over Maddy. He had welcomed her pregnancy. He loved her.

So why did she have this feeling of dread in her stomach?

She lay in bed staring at her phone like a hawk, her messages to Nate having gone unanswered. She didn't want to be naggy, she knew he wouldn't like that, but she was anxious. Each time her phone screen would light up she could feel her heart start to race, but most of the time it was some pointless Shein notification or her cousin in Minnesota inviting her to like her scrunchie business on Facebook.

By the time Nate stumbled in through the door in the middle of the night, Cassie had been crying for hours.

"Hey." He had said, like he hadn't been MIA for hours. He inched closer to the bed, only now noticing Cassie's tear stained face. "What's wrong?"

"Where were you?" She asked softly. "I called and called."

"I had some shit to do." She watched him strip out of his clothes and crawl into bed next to her. He let his hands travel up her body. "I was busy."

In an out of character move, Cassie stopped his arm from touching more of her.

"I heard what your dad said." She said, holding back her tears.

"You don't have to worry about that." He kissed her softly on the lips. "I need you to trust me, okay? I love you."

"I love you too, but you need to tell me things." Nate sighed and turned away from her. "I'm worried, we're going to need our parents to support us. So if your dad-"

"My dad will be okay with whatever we want to do." As Cassie began to raise her concerns, Nate put a finger over her lips to silence her. "I need to tell you something."

He drew a long pause and stared at the ceiling for a few seconds. In his mind he was contemplating the repercussions of his next admission, but the combination of alcohol and adrenaline had the words bubbling in his mouth, ready to come out.

"What is it?"

"I've never said this to anyone before." He turned his body around to face her again. "When I was 11, I found something in my dad's office..."

And there's not a day that I won't be yours and I'm glad I'm not alone anymore

Is this too good to be true? Can't you see I'm just a fool?