happiness is a butterfly

nevertheless (i'm in love with you)

Their walk back to the car is silent.

So is most of their journey home. Looking over at her he sees the silent tears stream sporadically down her face as she looks out the window.

See, he thinks, I did it again.

"I thought you also wanted to leave." he interrupts her thoughts, his hand reaching over to touch her. "I didn't mean to make you cry."

She looks at him with shiny eyes before taking a calming breath. Where Maddy was crying and enraged, Cassie was crying and composed. Mind you, already pre-pregnancy his girlfriend would let the waterworks flow frequently- the hormone disarray within her had only heightened this trait.

Still, Nate is well aware he was no Prince Charming this evening...

"I'm just sad, that's all." Her response is cryptic and he waits a few seconds for her to elaborate her thoughts. "It just wasn't the senior prom I expected."

Her face turns back to the window, the quick passing of houses calming her down. She tries to imagine the life of their owners, who they are, if they're happy.

Senior Prom to her represented the end of an era. The end of her high school years, made up of crushes, cheerleading, parties and best friends. With the imminent arrival of their son, it also represented the end of her teenage years. She imagined herself taking photos with her best friends to scatter on her polaroid wall. She thought she would dance goofily with Lexi to some 70s disco remix. Maybe even share a few sneaky kisses with her date. She imagined that she would laugh, and cry, and smile, and dance until she got blisters.

But her night had certainly been an anticlimax. She had a handsome date and a pretty dress and sore feet- and that was about it.

As she keeps staring out the window, Nate barely hears the soft we didn't even dance Cassie utters. Or at least, she thinks he doesn't because he doesn't respond to it.

He keeps driving, and driving, and driving. It helps clear the intense angst constantly clouding his mind. He even passes his house and it takes Cassie a while to realise they've gone too far. She asks where he's going, but doesn't get much of a response, so she goes back to look out the window wondering what annoying house party he's decided to drag her to now.

The surroundings start to look familiar, despite the dark of night. As his car finally stops, Cassie recognises the construction site they had been to when they first started seeing each other. The rendering had been completed on some of the properties and the once skeleton look of the site now resembled more a residential community.

"Why are we here?" She asks Nate, who is intent on finding something on his phone. He tells her to trust him- it makes her wonder if he brought her here to have sex like they used to when they were sneaking around. Typical.

Soon, the familiar tune of a love ballad booms from the speaker of his truck and she thinks he's officially lost his mind. He jumps out of the car and walks over to her side, opening the car door.

"Babe, I'm really tired...can we just have sex at home?" She pleads looking at his extended arms.

"Sshh..." he unclips her belt, "We're not here to have sex." He motions for her to step out of the car.

"I don't have shoes on." She points at the discarded heels in the backseat, but Nate swiftly lifts her body out of the vehicle

"Just stand on my feet." he gently lowers her legs to the ground with her feet resting on his leather shoes. "You said we didn't even dance, so I thought...I don't know...maybe we could dance here for a bit?"

She looks at him with a stunned look on her face as he begins to slowly sway them to the music. Her bump makes it a little awkward, as his legs widen to allow for more space between them and her hands grasp his arms tightly. It reminds her of being a little girl and dancing on her father's feet. It makes her feel safe.

They both share a small laugh as they awkwardly stumble.

"Here," she says, "let me turn around instead." Cassie twists her body so her back now rests flush against his torso and Nate's arms move to wrap around her belly. Her head nestles in his chest and he lowers his chin to rest on her head.

"I'm sorry I ruined your night...I feel like I'm always making you cry." The events of the night had put into perspective for him the repercussions his poor behaviour had on those around him. And Cassie's sad look and tear stained face on what should have been a fun night made him feel like shit.

"It wasn't just you...I uhm, I don't know...I just wasn't having a good night." Cassie sighs as his hips gently rock them side to side. "I guess I'm just not the girl I was a few months ago..."

"I'm scared I'm going to make you hate me." He admits, tightening his embrace as though holding her tighter physically will mean holding her closer emotionally. Like a nest keeping its birds safe and warm or the vice lock of quicksand holding you captive. "I keep hurting you."

"Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do, I make you upset. I'm so scared that I'll be too annoying or complain too much and that you'll leave me...like, any time you go out after we fight, I wonder if you're coming back."

"I'm sorry I make you feel so insecure about us, I just- I don't know, sometimes I get in my head and it's so dark up there and I push everyone away. Or maybe the only way I can be happy is by making everyone around me so fucking miserable."

"Don't say that...you don't make me miserable." She lifts his hand to her lips to give his fingers a soft kiss. "But sometimes when your friends are around, I feel like I barely exist."

"Trust me- I'd rather be here with you, just us, than with all those losers." She snorts at his comment. "It's true, they're idiots...sometimes I just need to unplug from being me and it's easy around them."

"I wish you could do that around me..." her voice is soft and, although he doesn't voice, he too wishes the same. That he could allow himself to be less intense around, more easygoing, to just be fucking normal for once. "I wish you would understand that nothing you could do or say would make me love you any less."

He finds it a dangerous statement to make, because he knows that the more power she will allow him, the more concessions, the more forgiveness, the more she will give, the more he will continue to take and take and take from her. Because that's what he does, he squeezes people, shaves them down to the bone, peels off all their fresh petals leaving them a starving stem. And, ultimately, he ends up ruining anyone that allows him to.

"Sometimes I feel like you're the best thing that's ever happened to me." He whispers in her ear.

She allows herself to be lost in his embrace as they continue to sway to the music- and ti just enjoy their romantic moment for the time being. She knows she has questions, and doubts, and frustrations and so much she would like to get off her chest. But this felt like a rare moment of bliss, a sweet memory to look back at, a beautiful ending to an awful evening.

Because the thing with Nate is that she can never predict his next move or mood. She can never really understand if the real him is the arrogant guy from prom or the sweet boy about to lose blood flow in his feet just so her own don't touch the ground.

His kisses melt away her worries, his hands massage away her fears, his body colliding into hers over and over fucks away her frustrations.

Their lovemaking that night feels intense and powerful and meaningful.Their bodies crash like waves as they try and say as much as they can with the best way they both know how to share their feelings. No words shared as the only sound in his room is that of their skin coming together and their ragged breaths. He goes in deep, she holds him in tight. Locked.

When he falls asleep, sweaty hair sticking to his forehead and his arm holding her tightly up against him, she studies his resting face.

Who are you really, Nate Jacobs? She wonders if she will ever understand that.

Somehow, I know at a glance the terrible terrible chances I'm taking

Fine at the start but then left with a heart that is breaking