happiness is a butterfly

dark paradise

Honesty was a strange concept to Nate.

There were very few times he had allowed himself to be open and truthful with those around him. After all, he had spent years protecting the truth from coming out, so personally disclosing it was not something he was used to doing.

Except for that night.

It was a combination of things that made him confess his secrets to Cassie. It was the alcohol running through his system. It was the fact he had just blackmailed his father and gotten a little revenge. It was the desire to control his narrative and free himself of the secrets weighing him down.

But mainly, it was the knowledge that no matter what fucked up thing he confessed to Cassie, he was certain she would never leave him. I mean, where would she go? She had said so herself that Nate was her lifeline. He was pretty confident in his relationship. She was so good at loving everyone but herself, she would continue to love him despite this.

He hadn't been completely truthful with her though, some things he kept to himself for self preservation.

"...up until that moment, my dad was my hero- y'know?" He felt her hand softly brushing his arm comfortingly. "My whole life felt like a lie, he used to go on and on about putting his family first and making us go to church but it was all bullshit. He didn't care about us."

"Did you tell your mum, or your brother?"

"Never, I hated him but I still wanted to protect him. Is that weird?"

"I get it, he's still your dad." She thought back to all the times she allowed her father to steal their jewellery or drive them home high on drugs. She would be willing to risk her life getting in his car, rather than admit to her mum she was scared. Too afraid to speak up and never see him again.

"I hoped he would stop on his own, but every week there was a new tape, a new secret and I couldn't stay away but I couldn't find the courage to stop him either."

What he wished he could say was that his father had indirectly turned him into the sick, twisted individual he is. Someone who could feel pleasure and disgust at the same time, someone who could not shake those images out of his head, someone whose first experience of sex came from his father's personal porn.

But he wasn't ready to face those demons yet.

"You were just a boy. It wasn't your responsibility." Her tone was reassuring, as she felt her heart break at his story. "Is that what your nightmares are about?"

"I felt so dirty and ashamed that my father was doing these things and that I had seen them. But I was so scared of what would happen if someone found out, what would people say? My whole life people always told me I am so much like my dad, and I wanted to rip my skin off whenever I heard that because there's nothing good about being like him."

"Do you mean him being gay?" Cassie's question had taken him by surprise, not because of its nature, but because he didn't expect her to ask something that bold.

Truthfully, he had asked himself this many times in the past.

Maybe if his dad had just been honest and came out as whatever the hell he is (gay, bi, pansexual), things would have been different.

Maybe if his dad had left their family and lived his life, instead of hiding tapes in his office, he wouldn't have become the person he is.

"It's not that. It's the lies and double life, like how can you be so disloyal? Just walk away if you want to be with a man. Stop ruining our life." He rubbed his face aggressively. "He always put on me this expectation to be perfect, this strong man, a leader- and then he was fucking people in motels and recording it?" She could feel his chest heaving as he became more and more enraged.

"Is that what was on the disc?" She had asked a few seconds later.

He paused before answering, well aware of the weight of his next admission.

"That disc? Yea, it was of my dad..." He turned to face her completely. "It was of my dad and Jules."

Cassie gasped at the mention of Jules's name.

"That's why it was so important I got it back, in the wrong hands it could have caused a lot of trouble. She lied, about her age I mean...said she was 22, but still he was fucking a minor."

"That's crazy. Where is it now?"

"I gave it back to Jules." Cassie expressed her disbelief at Jules having the disc. "She wouldn't show anyone a video of herself like that, and she can't really go to the authorities about it. Trust me, it's better for us if it's not in our possession."

"I trust you." She didn't. "So is that where you were tonight?"

"Yeah, I saw Jules and then I went to see my dad. I told him I knew about everything he had done and that if he didn't let me stay with you, I would take it all to the authorities."

"You blackmailed your dad?" She asked surprised and he nodded. "You blackmailed him to be with me?"

"Do you still love me?" He asked, and she looked at his lost eyes. He wished he could ask, do you still love me now that you know my darkest secrets?

But Cassie wouldn't judge him for his father's choices. If anything, as she watched him be vulnerable for once, as she got to comfort him, as she listened to his fears, she felt her heart and grow for him more. He too was broken, he too had insecurities. How could everyone label him as the bad guy, when they didn't know him?

"Of course I still love you." She responded emphatically, like it was a silly concept that she could love him any less than she did an hour ago.

For the first time since that first kiss she felt on a similar level with Nate. They both had daddy issues which had made them insecure and needy for love. They both held a grudge toward their mothers for not protecting them more. They both had a tense relationship with their siblings. They both struggled with loving and accepting themselves, which made them seek validation in negative ways. They both desperately wanted to be loved.

And for as much as Cassie had felt backed into a wall, with Nate being the only person in her world, she suddenly realised the man lying next to her also had no one left but her. He had made his commitment clear by going against his father to be with her.

As he pulled her in his arms for a comforting hug and kiss, she mused about how romantic this all was.

It was them against the world.

Nate and Cassie.

Nate and Cassie and their baby.

To brighten up the night, I have you love, and we can face the music together, dancing in the dark.