happiness is a butterfly

stay

Cassie led the way up to her room.

For Nate, it was the first time seeing Cassie's bedroom in the flesh. Sure, he had seen snippets of the girly room she shared with her sister in the many pictures he had received from her and the ones he had seen from others.

The room was like a museum of Cassie and Lexi's life. It was filled with sentimental toys, photos of their friends, posters and trophies. There were fairy lights, fluffy pillows and colourful bean bags. It was a stark contrast from Nate's own grey and navy bedroom.

"Can I see?" He asked, looking at the sleeves of her top, and slowly lifting them out of the way once Cassie gave a small nod of approval. The now purplish marks on her arms made his stomach feel uneasy. His fingers slowly skimmed over the marked skin before looking back at Cassie's tear filled eyes. "I'm so sorry I did this to you, so sorry." He told her truthfully before delicately kissing her arm.

"I've been going crazy waiting to hear from you." Cassie said, her small hands grasping his fingers.

"I was in a holding cell, McKay's dad pressed charges against me." His explanation elicited a gasp from Cassie. "I didn't want to stress you out." He justified her demand of why he hadn't let her know.

"Well, I was stressed out thinking you didn't want to talk to me." Cassie's voice had a tinge of annoyance, having spent the last two days crying to herself when someone could have just let her know he was being detained.

"Okay, well, sorry...I thought I was doing the right thing." Nate placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "He dropped charges now, so that shouldn't be an issue anymore."

"Okay." She drew in a shaky breath, before looking back at him. "So, where does that leave us? Obviously, you were very upset the other night..."

"Why didn't you tell me about your abortion? Why hide it?"

"Honestly, after it happened, I tried to just forget about it...I wasn't hiding it from you, I just blocked it out." Cassie thought back to how sad and alone she felt at the time. She had done what she always did when faced with adversity, she filed it away in the back of her mind and acted like it didn't happen. "I wasn't trying to trick you or get pregnant on purpose, I swear. I hope you can forgive me."

Nate could hear the rise of her voice and see the flow of her tears and feel the increase of her pulse.

She was a shaky little mess, begging his undeserving self to forgive her.

"I, uhm, last year, when I found out about my dad and Jules, I catfished her on a gay dating app. I made her fall for me under a fake profile and convinced her to send me her nudes...that's why I had all those naked photos of guys on my phone." He watches her brows come together in confusion, her eyes looking at him. "Yea, and then I threatened her I would report her for child pornography if she said anything about my dad."

"Nate, what? Stop...why are you bringing this up now?" She told him, tears running down her face as he continued his story.

"Remember when Maddy was assaulted by that college guy?" He asked, receiving a confused nod from Cassie. "It was me...I lost my cool and choked her and then I made Tyler take the fall." He could hear her little gasp and sequence of no no no at his admission. "I followed him and beat the shit out of him and told him I would get him done for statutory rape if he didn't say it was him."

"Oh my god." She wailed, pushing his hands away from her face, only for him to grab her face again.

"I also blackmailed Jules into being a witness about the Tyler thing, and I don't know maybe a part of me developed feelings for her? But I think it was because for the first time I got to be someone other than me...like, I could be whoever I wanted and be this nice guy she could trust."

"Stop, why are you telling me all of this?" She cried, trying once again to free herself of his hold. "Are you in love with Jules?"

"No, but I loved the person I was when I was talking to her." He admitted, now letting his own tears come out. "I'm telling you all of this because I'm not a good person, Cassie. I'm fucked up and I've done so many fucked up things."

"I...oh my God...I feel sick." She said hyperventilating. "You assaulted Maddy?" She asked, feeling so dumb for believing it wasn't Nate who had done that to her friend despite knowing full well it was probably him.

"I have this anger inside me that I can't control...and it's like I blackout, I don't even realise what I'm doing until it's too late." Her crying became louder, she could feel Nate's hand brushing her hair away in a way that felt anything but comforting. "Look at what I did to you...and I'm so scared at what I would have done if you weren't pregnant."

"Don't say that..." She begged him, pulling in closer to him, almost comforting him rather than the other way around. Later in life she would ask herself why it was that she threw herself at danger instead of backing away. "I'm okay, you didn't hit me, you punched the wall"

"Cassie, look at your fucking arms?" He pulled her sleeves up roughly, pointing at the bruising on her arms. "You shouldn't be asking me to forgive you, you should be running away from me."

"Why are you being like this? It's like you want me to leave..."

"The last thing I want is to be without you, Cass. But this is who I am, a part of me is scared I will always be this fucked up. And I don't want to keep ruining your life."

"You're not ruining my life." She said quickly, her hands now going to touch his face and bring his eyes to her's. "I want to be there for you and help you and grow our family together."

"I'm insecure and violent and possessive and I always need to be in control. Am I really who you want?" Nate knew within him there were certain aspects of him that wouldn't change, at least anytime soon.

"I love you, Nate." She cried to him, nodding her head.

"I'm putting everything out on the table here, I want you to know who I am, what I've done...because if you stay with me, if we go forward, I...I don't think I can let you go. I love you."

There would always be this twisted, sinister side to him. Someone who craved love for the wrong reasons and showed it in the wrong ways. But now that he had come to the realisation he loved Cassie, he strived to change for her, he strived to be better.

And that meant giving her the chance to leave him.

To get out, to find someone more deserving, someone less complicated. To free herself of the burden of him.

But Cassie, in an unsurprising move, had pledged her love and allegiance.

"I don't want you to let me go." She whispered in her shaky voice, her eyes welling up, her body closer and closer to his.

And a part of Nate wondered why she would be so willing to accept him, to put up with his bullshit, to settle for a love so toxic. Was it the same love he was feeling? Was it desperation?

He also wondered if he had only given her the option to leave because he knew she never would. That she would just die if he walked away from her, that she would combust, that she would do anything to be loved by anyone.

In that moment though, he let those insecurities hide away in the back of his mind.

And allowed the comfort of her embrace, of her reassuring kisses, of her love.

Well, funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving

'Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving