happiness is a butterfly

broken

Marsha wakes up to her sons shouting.

In the foyer, she can hear Aaron trying to smack some sense into his younger brother who just physically assaulted his very pregnant girlfriend. Nate is raging, pushing Aaron away and shouting all sorts of accusations and awful names that make Marsha feel sick to her stomach.

She can hear voices coming from Nate's bedroom, but is absolutely terrified at the thought of what may have happened in that room.

"Cassie, you need to calm down a little." She hears Gemma tell Cassie, soothingly stroking her hair. Cassie who is sitting on the floor sobbing, hugging herself, while Gemma tries to comfort her. "It's not good for the baby. Just take a deep breath."

"What the hell happened?" Marsha asks, clutching her heart which feels like it's about to pop out of her chest. She can hear Nate and Aaron's voices in the background. She can see plaster on the floor from where Nate has left a hole in the wall. She takes in Cassie's red tear soaked face and the handprints on her bare arms.

"I don't know, Nate just came home and absolutely lost it." Gemma explains, looking at Marsha with wide eyes.

Aaron had mentioned a few times that his brother had a temper and she had witnessed herself the way he often spoke to his family and girlfriend, but the scene she just witnessed at her stomach in knots.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Cassie keeps wailing from her place on the floor, her voice now hoarse from the crying and shouting. Marsha feels her heart shatter at how tightly Cassie grips her arm with her trembling hand once she has gotten close to her. "I didn't do it on purpose, I swear."

What have you done, Nate? She wonders.

"Hey, hey, sshh, just take a deep breath. Gemma is right, this isn't good for the baby." She wraps an arm around her and looks over her for more signs of violence. Her neck, her face, she looks her up and down, inspecting every little piece of her for damage. Like a porcelain doll that's been dropped but hasn't shattered. Yet.

Downstairs, they hear the door slam shut before feet stomp up the stairs which makes all three ladies hold their breath for a second too long.

"He's gone, not sure where he's going but probably best that he stays out." Aaron reassures them by walking into the bedroom. That sends Cassie into another fit of wails, chanting no and calling Nate's name repeatedly.

"I need to talk to him, please." She begs, trying to crawl her way out of Marsha's embrace.

"He needs to blow off some steam first, trust me." Aaron argues, having heard from Nate a convoluted and profanity loaded explanation of his anger. This situation was pretty fucked up, which also seemed to be the norm for their family. "Maybe you should stay with your mom or a friend even."

Cassie violently shakes her head no, paranoia sinking in that if she leaves this house she will never see Nate again. And Marsha feels bad for the traumatised girl and is about to disagree with Aaron.

That's until she sees the pointed look her oldest giving her, accompanied with a head shake. This was going to end pretty bad if Nate came back.

"Just for tonight, sweetheart." She reassures her, not believing her own words. "Aaron will drive you. Trust me, it's going to be okay."

So Cassie hastily packs some random clothes and makes her way out of the home with a heavy heart. Her and Gemma sit in the car alone for a few minutes waiting for Aaron, and the girl turns to squeeze Cassie's knee.

"I know you're blaming yourself, but what Nate did was really fucked up. Don't forgive too easily."

"That wasn't the Nate I know." She responds looking out the window at the house she has called home for months, wondering if she will ever be back.

And Gemma thinks that based on what Aaron has told her about his brother, about him strangling his ex, this sounds exactly like him. But she drops the subject, not wanting to cause Cassie any more grief for one night.

Cassie spends the car ride to her house in silence, dutifully patting Pumpkin sitting on her lap. It's late by now and she tries to make her way through her old home as quietly as possible as to not wake anyone.

She does pretty well and it isn't until Pumpkin starts to lick Lexi's foot that the younger Howard hears Cassie's soft cries coming from the bed opposite to her's, which had been empty for months.

"Cass? Is that you?" She asks, only to be met with her sister's sobbing. "What's wrong?"

And like she has done many other times in their upbringing, Lexi crosses the seven large steps dividing their beds to jump into bed with her sister. It's dark, so she doesn't see her reddened arms, which Cassie is glad about. Lexi shuffles in bed with her wrapping her arms around Cassie's belly for the first time. Belly aside, this is a position they've been many times during their life. Cassie always liked being the little spoon, but sometimes they would flip based on who needed a hug more. Stronger together.

"I ruined everything, he hates me, I fucked up." She wails in her sister's arms, and Lexi struggles to get a grip on what has occurred to make her sister this distraught but has no doubt about who the perpetrator is.

Nate Jacobs.

"What happened?" She asks fairly certain whatever it is Cassie has done, it probably wouldn't warrant whatever over the top reaction Nate had.

"He found out about McKay and the abortion, he thinks I tricked him." Lexi stays silent, trying to collect her thoughts. Yes, she can just imagine how Nate would've reacted to that news. "He can't leave me. I will die if he leaves me."

"No you won't. Cassie, you have us no matter what and we would help you. You don't need him."

"You don't understand, I love him so much Lexi." Cassie's is just above a whisper. "I know you think I'm pathetic, but I can't help how I feel."

And Lexi agrees with her on that, she would never understand how their perception of love could be so different. How for two sisters raised in the same house, with the same demons, they could love in such different ways.

She doesn't say much after that, having learned recently that sometimes it's easier to let people make their own mistakes. That no matter how much she disagrees with Cassie and her life choices, they are her own to make. That you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped.

By the early hours of the morning, she finally sees the red handprint on Cassie's arms starting to bruise.

It makes Lexi feel so angry and helpless and just so fucking sad, that her sister has such low respect for herself to think that this is love.

She feels angry at Nate, for losing his temper and never allowing Cassie room for mistakes despite all the times she has forgiven him.

She feels angry at McKay, who knows Nate so well to be able to predict his reaction and still opens his big mouth. And for what?

She's angry at both of them for treating Cassie like a little pawn in their game of ego and male toxicity.

She's angry at Cassie, because Lexi knows that at some point, when Nate has decided she has done her time, she will take him back and beg for his forgiveness.

Only for him to do this over and over again.

You are broken on the floor and you're crying, crying.

He has done this all before but you're lying, lying, to yourself, that he'll find help, that he will change to someone else

But you're broken on the floor still asking him for more