happiness is a butterfly

make me cry

There is always calm before a storm.

Lately, Nate had been in a surprisingly good mood. His father's unplanned coming out had lifted a weight off his shoulders. His parents' separation was now official, Cal had fully moved out and Marsha had bought a Peloton to ease back into the dating world. Bud had agreed to give them one of his rental properties once the baby arrived. Nate was happy. Cassie was happy.

Life was good.

This meant she had spent the last few weeks picturing her future. As her belly expanded little by little, she tried to imagine what her baby would look like, she mused on whether she would be having a little boy or little girl.

In the early stages of her pregnancy, when she first found out, she had pictured herself having a little girl. Be it the fact that she was one of two sisters, or that she liked typically girly things, but her first instinct told her she was carrying a girl.

She imagined her as blonde, adorable, a total daddy's girl. She pictured herself teaching her daughter to ice skate. She smiled thinking of the cute little outfits she would wear.

She imagined Nate to be super protective and scaring teenage boys away. She pictured him totally smitten with her. She pictured him being the dad she wished she still had. She wished for her daughter to grow up with the unconditional love of her father and without seeking male validation.

She imagined her growing up to be beautiful and caring and smart and happy. She worried about what her life would turn out like, how boys would treat her. She hoped to give her more confidence and self love than she felt.

But then she had spoken to Nate's grandmother.

From that moment, her perception and dreams had changed completely.

For Cassie, who had spent most of her young life chasing love from boys, the thought of having a son filled her heart with joy. She would have a little guy to love unconditionally and to be loved by. Suddenly, all she could picture was a baby boy, a mini Nate, another addition to the Jacobs legacy, a son. She became infatuated with the idea of carrying a baby boy. She wanted to give Nate a boy.

She imagined how happy it would make Nate to have a son. She could picture them playing sports in the backyard, going surfing, being the best of buddies.

A firstborn son, for how outdated of a concept it sounded, made her feel a sense of pride, of achievement. It was hard to explain really. Maybe she was more connected to a traditional view of a household than she realised, most likely a consequence of growing up in a broken home which had resulted in her seeking an idealistic family life. The American dream.

So when the Doctor looked their way and said "It's a boy." she turned to her boyfriend beaming, happy tears in her eyes, anticipating the wide smile on his face. I did it, she thought.

But Nate's face was sullen, his jaw tight, his eyes dull. He was brooding.

He didn't say much on the car ride home, whilst Cassie continued to voice her excitement for the arrival of their baby boy. He gave her the occasional forced smile and she could feel her anxiety rise as she swallowed the lump in her throat.

Why wasn't he happy?

What had she done wrong?

And while Cassie tried her hardest to keep the big smile on her face while showing Marsha her sonogram, she could feel Nate remove himself completely from the interaction. Sure, he was sitting at the bench across from her, but the look in his eyes told her his mind was a million miles elsewhere. A million miles away from her.