happiness is a butterfly

daydream

The last few weeks of school are a blur.

As students race through the halls dropping in last minute extra credit homework and signing yearbook photos, Cassie finds herself surprised to have made it to the end.

Whatever it was that made Nate self-reflect a little at Prom, Cassie is extremely grateful. Over the last few weeks his behaviour has improved dramatically, he is present and caring. He stays home on the weekend.

He takes her out for dinner at the Grill which, she realises, is actually the first time he has taken her on a real date. He buys her flowers, big blooming blush pink roses. He keeps her company by not drinking, even though she doesn't mind if he has a beer or two. He holds her hand over the table, with an occasional kiss to her fingers.

They talk about school, and the baby, and Pumpkin, and their friends.

Chit chat.

Normal talk.

"Kayla said she and Ben are going to Paris and Amsterdam after graduation." Cassie tells him, remembering the conversation she had with his friend's girlfriend over lunch. His friends and acquaintances, which although not her type of people, she has slowly adopted as her inner circle. Their home, school and social lives now intertwined.

"Sounds like a disaster." He responds with a snort, knowing his friend's tendency to cause trouble, which makes her giggle. "I went with my cousins and we had such a crazy time, the parties in Europe are sick."

"You went to Amsterdam? That's so cool." He hears the excitement in her voice when he tells her all about the 6 weeks he spent in Europe with his whole family. "Wow, I don't even have a passport."

"What? You've never been overseas?" He asks surprised. Sure, he could tell from where and how they lived that the Howard's were not as well off as his family. Still, he was surprised to hear Cassie had experienced so little of the world compared to him.

"No, I've really only been to Minnesota and Virginia." She stops for a second although she's about thinking whether to add in her next sentence. "Maddy and I were going to travel after Senior Year, but I guess that won't be happening."

Cassie can't help the way her face falls slightly at the thought of her lost summer plans with her once best friend. Of how they would dream of shopping through the streets of Paris, tanning on a warm Greek island, eating Gelato in Florence, kissing London boys with their charming accents. Of the photo of Blair and Serena she has on her cork board. Of the little Eiffel tower charm she kept on her house keys. Of the teenage dreams she watches fade away each day.

But then again, this is the path she has chosen, the life she has wanted, the love she has fought for.

Look around, Cassie she thinks to herself this is everything you ever wanted.

Nate takes note of the shift in her demeanour, her sudden sadness, her pained eyes, and he feels this urge to flip her frown into a smile. It's part of being the new Nate, he decides, it's this feeling of trying to reverse his inherent ability of making everyone else sad- his calamitous aura.

"You can go travelling with me." He takes a big bite of his steak before adding. "We can go to Europe right after graduation if that's what you want."

"What? Nate, that's crazy...plus you do realise I'm going to be super pregnant?" Her eyes widen at his suggestion.

Cassie will never not be floored at Nate's ability to make big on the spot decisions- be it confidence or wealth or his general fuck you attitude, Cassie is so damn attracted to him. He moves through life taking what he wants, what he thinks he deserves by will or by force. And Cassie? She takes what she is given, she begs for love, she cherishes the scraps she is thrown.

"Okay, so maybe not Europe this time. But we can still go away, like somewhere closer?"

"Oh my god, like a babymoon?" Nate gives her a confused look, her face is now beaming and she bounces a little in her chair from excitement. "It's like a holiday you have before the baby comes along. Ohhh we could go to Florida!"

He always wondered how she could go from looking the epitome of anguish to a childlike innocence so easily.

"I was thinking somewhere more like Punta Cana or the Bahamas, a resort so we can just chill together before the baby comes. We could leave on Wednesday and stay for a few weeks." Nate sees the way Cassie is looking at him surprised. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Nothing, it's just...so sweet. No one has ever asked me on a romantic holiday before."

"Well, sex on the beach could also be fun..." He adds with a smug look on her face that makes her roll her eyes playfully and throw a french fry at him.

So their night continues with sharing stories of past holidays. Nate's summers at the Lake with his grandparents, that time they went to Hawaii and Aaron almost got them kicked out for peeing in the pool. Cassie tells him of annual Disney holidays and puking cotton candy all over Lexi. They share with each other the places they dream to visit, they imagine together the holidays they will have.

Will their baby like water or land? Will he want to go hiking or rock climbing, or will he love to surf and kayak? Will he love Disneyland like his mum or be more into camping?

What will their family be like?

So Cassie gets to spend her last few weeks of school daydreaming of the future to come.

No drama means time flies.

By the time the night before graduation comes around the air is warm with summer heat and fresh with excitement. Earlier that evening Nate hosted a barbeque for his football friends, a yearly tradition for the team she would learn. Cassie loves watching him in his element, talking to his friends, laughing. He looks happy, which makes her happy. His friends are bonehead jocks, sure, but there's this carefreeness in the air they had too often been deprived of.

There's a lot of drinks going around, but everyone seems to behave for once.

And Cassie actually manages to enjoy herself as well, not having to worry about how much Nate has had to drink or if he is on the verge of a meltdown or whatever other dramatic scene seems to occur at any of these events. She chats about summer plans with the girls, she laughs at the silly backflips the boys do.

For the first time in a long time she feels like a teenager again. She feels like herself, a different version of herself but still Cassie.

And she can't help the smile on her face when Nate stays home as his friends make their way to Kayden Doyle's crazy house party. She would never ask him to stay back, but she always wishes to be picked over anything else.

They end up sitting in the pool, her back nestled into his chest as his hands drizzle water along her belly playfully. Scattered drink cups and paper plates cover the lawn, music plays from the outdoor speakers, a football floats near them in the water. He's telling her a funny story about a prank he and his friends played on a teacher at camp one year.

And then she feels it.

It's just a little flutter and at first she thinks it could be all the cheese she has eaten earlier.

But something feels different.

And it's only because she notices her belly shift slightly.

"He's moving. The baby...he's kicking, can you feel it?" She grabs his hand to rest it on her belly, trying to find the best spot to place his hand. "Look at my belly."

Although he can barely feel his son's movements, his eyes focus on her stomach- watching the way her skin moves around. Nate's finger slowly drags across her stomach, following the baby's movements.

"Wow..." They both stare at her belly with fascination. It's a weird concept to explain, just how magical it feels to watch their son make his presence known.

And Cassie almost wants to pinch herself at how unrealistically perfect this evening feels.

When you give me all of your love, give me something to dream about