happiness is a butterfly

good for you

She waits until he goes to the toilets.

Alone.

Her last conversation with Nate had been that evening in the hallway, since then they both had gone out of their way to have zero interaction with one another. Some side eye glances in the hallway, a few awkward run ins at house parties, diligent instagram story stalking on her part.

Maddy had witnessed his relationship with Cassie develop publicly, as they strolled hand in hand around school and town. She watched Cassie's bump grow. She heard rumours from other students. She listened to Lexi vent.

But she had never heard a peep from Nate. No late u up? text, no waiting outside her house for forgiveness, no presents on her doorstep.

This was surprising to Maddy, no one knew Nate as well as she did. She knew his game, his strategy, she knew how to play him. Usually.

And because she knew him, she knew how much she never wanted to be with him again. How much she despised him. He was an awful boyfriend and an even worse human being. So why couldn't she let go of him? Why did her heart drop at any sight of the two?

How hard is it to see the boy you loved be the man you wish for someone else?

Be it from the drinks she had on the way, or the molly her and Kat shared, Maddy finds herself following Nate to the toilets to speak to him. He doesn't see her follow him and lock the door behind her, and it's not until he washes his hand that he sees her in the reflection in the mirror.

"What the fuck, Maddy?" Nate turns abruptly to face her and, from the angry look in her eyes, he wonders if she's hiding a knife in her sleeve.

"Do you love her?" Her voice is low, menacing, and she slowly walks closer to him. A vision of shiny purple.

"What?" He asks, despite having heard her perfectly the first time around.

"I asked you- do you fucking love Cassie?" Her body is now inches from his, her face upturned to look into his warm brown cold eyes. She notes his features, his handsome face, his confused look.

"Are you fucking crazy? Did you actually follow me here to ask if I love Cassie?" His voice shifts from confusion to amusement, because he knows that despite everything he still has her right under his thumb. He straightens his posture to match Maddy's power stance, his face angles lower to look down at her. "I love her, is that what you want to hear?"

"You're a fucking liar." Maddy seethes. "You're too much of an asshole to love anyone."

"Sure, I'm an asshole." He responds with a small laugh. He would be lying if he said this was the first time someone had referred to him as an asshole...or the last.

Maddy begins to tell him all the ways he has hurt her, how he took her heart and stomped all over it. How he went as far as fucking her best friend, because ruining her love life wasn't enough- he needed to claim her friendships too. She tells Nate that he destroyed her, her spirit, her trust in humans. That he was violent towards her, abusive, and that he had humiliated her over and over again. That he made her feel worthless.

Much like the last time they both attended one of these dances, Nate finds himself face to face with the reality of the pain he caused Maddy. It seemed to Nate he couldn't exist without causing pain to those who love him, like he was programmed to destroy those around him. A bad weed.

Ha had been awful to Maddy, he knew that. And he knew he was awful to Cassie most of the time, maybe less than he was to Maddy but still not a great guy.

He couldn't help himself.

It was like he wanted to see how much he could push a person, how far he could go, how much they would still beg for his love despite him being undeserving. And how long they would take it before giving up on him, labelling him as rotten and stop trying to love him. 

"I'm sorry I hurt you, Maddy." He finally concedes, and means it. Maddy, like many others, had been the collateral damage of Nate trying to punish everyone around him for the self hatred he carried with him daily.

"Fuck you." Her voice is a venomous spit burning his face. "What does she have that I don't have?" And from venom it turns to soft and frail and uncertain.

Because as confident as Maddy was with everyone, no one could see through her like Nate. He knew how to bare her of her armature and peel her back to her most fragile state.

"Maddy..." He sighs. He too had asked himself many times what it was about Cassie that had allowed him to be more vulnerable. There was an undefined bond and understanding which allowed him to feel in a safe space around her, to let his positive emotion take reign over his anxious insecurities. But how do you word that to a broken person in front of you?

Nate's silent pause is enough to confirm that he did indeed love Cassie more than Maddy, that it wasn't just a fling or phase to distract him from his feelings for her.

"I fucking hate you so much." She says, mascara streaming down her cheeks. Is it heartbreak? Frustration? Anger?

"I know."

"And I hate her even more, because I always knew you were capable of destroying me but her? My best fucking friend...you two fucking deserve each other."

He watches her fumble with the door before running out of the bathroom in tears. It takes Nate a moment to compose himself before returning to the party. He's also hoping Cassie didn't see Maddy leave the toilets before him, as that's the last drama he needs to end the evening.

He watches his friends being obnoxious at their table, groups of his peers dancing away to some remixed tune that sounds like a strangled cat. They're all having fun and he wishes he could enjoy himself and revel in living the simple life of a teenage kid for once.

Cassie is waiting in line for the photo booth with some girls from cheerleading, he's sure that if he checks his phone he would have endless texts and missed calls of her wondering where he is.

He makes his way over to the girls, his sudden broad figure interrupting their conversation. "Grab your things, we're going home."

"What?" She asks incredulously, wasn't only 20 minutes ago she had asked him to leave and he had a meltdown.

"I'm over this shit party, let's just go." He watches her awkwardly say goodbye to the girls before accepting his outstretched hand.

Maybe I'm too emotional, your apathy is like a wound in salt

Maybe I'm too emotional or maybe you never cared at all