happiness is a butterfly

live or die

When it's good, it's great. When it's bad, it's hell.

Following their disastrous family lunch, she watched him pace up and down the bedroom, anger emanating from his strong build.

Like a switch inside him, one moment he is holding her lovingly and the next he is screaming at her. And when he is loving, he is perfect. And when he is angry, he is scary.

He curses, he punches the wall, he blames her. "It's your fucking family!"

She cries, she chases him, she apologises. "I'm sorry, I love you."

She's not sure what she's apologising for though, Marsha invited them, Lexi started it, Aaron said it but she will do anything to get the sweet, loving, Nate back.

She is trapped in his inconsistent pattern of emotions. Like a spider caught in a web, she latches on to those sporadic highs, those unrealistic moments of happiness, while trying to climb away from the darkness and toxicity keeping her captive.

And when he shows her his love, it's so intense, passionate, real. And when he takes it away, it feels like there's no air left to breathe.

She had fallen into an abusive cycle of give and take.

Isn't it true though, that the more you hurt for your love, the more you suffer, the more intense this love must be? No one writes songs or movies or books about easy love. No one yearns for a love that's simple.

She had once said she thought love was dark. Love at its core is dark. It is two becoming one. It is surrendering your whole being for the love of another. Is there anything more beautiful than being loved?

"If they see us like this-" she reasons, trying to grab his arm and stop him from causing more damage to his bedroom. "you're letting them win. Please, stop. I'm sorry."

Nate lets her soft hands trace his angry features. She was right, he knew that. He knew everyone wanted to see them fail, to prove them right. They wanted them to fall apart, they wanted them to behave as they expected them to. Young, dumb, in love.

Lexi's outburst at lunch had resulted in precisely what the young girl had set out to do. Show the cracks in their relationship, break them apart, humiliate Nate again, wreak havoc.

And he hated that she had been successful. But most of all, he hated the feeling of not being in control of the situation. Not being able to decide what and how and when and whose secrets are revealed. He felt helpless and weak.

So he did what he did best, he regained his power and control by exercising his dominance over Cassie. It made him feel good to watch her beg for his love, for his forgiveness, for his embrace, even when she bore no fault in the events that occurred.

Because for as long as she will allow him to feed off her soul, he will take and devour her.

It was no surprise that Aaron's admission had spun a tornado of emotions that went beyond what any of them could imagine. It was most definitely the worst way to break the news of his parents separating and inform Bud and Bev of Cal's sexual preferences. In an unexpected move, his brother had torpedoed their father's decade-long efforts to hide the truth from his parents and weakened Nate's upper hand over his father.

Like a house of cards falling down from the faintest gust of wind, their make-believe picture perfect family image had come to a crashing halt with just a few little words.

Aaron didn't seem particularly fussed though, he was used to being labelled as the fuck up of the family. The one who crashed a brand new car within days or the one responsible for the party where invaluable antiques and family heirlooms were broken.

Nate, on the other hand, observed his Grandfather and Father argue, he listened to his Grandmother blame his Mother. He watched as Lexi and Suze quickly left the burning house and as Cassie refused to say goodbye to them.

"This isn't how I wanted you to find out," his dad had tried to reason "but I've been hiding who I am for so long. It's not fair on Marsha or the kids or me even."

"Right, because you're doing us the favour." Marsha had added, her tone laced with sarcasm. How typical of Cal to try and come off as the hero after destroying their family with his lies and secrets.

"I just don't understand, how long have you known for?" An incredulous Bev had tried to ask. "Marsha, did you know about this?"

His Grandfather had firmly asked Cal to follow him in the office, alone. It was killing Nate not knowing what was being discussed. Bud was calculative and conservative. And right now, Nate was too clouded by his anger to figure out what game Bud would play.

Fucking Aaron.

Fucking Lexi Howard.

"Nate, I swear I'll never speak to her again. She's dead to me." Cassie's desperate words broke him out of his inner thoughts.

"Would you do it?" He asked, staring into her eyes.

"As in kill her?" She asked in an uncertain voice, because she wouldn't put it past Nate to suggest something that fucked up.

"What? No...not that." He responded firmly, because he wouldn't put it past her to inflict serious harm on someone just to please him. "I mean, do you promise to never speak to her again?"

So she had stopped for a brief second to weigh his words and the implication of his request. She remembers playing with Lexi as kids, they used to sit in the backyard with their baby dolls in their little prams and play moms at the park. They would sit and chat about their non existent lives as mothers and wives, a make believe reality. And when she pictured her future, becoming a wife, a mother, she had always imagined Lexi at her side. Her maid of honour. Auntie Lexi. She had been her little companion for as long as she could remember.

Could she do it?

She says yes without even realising, she promises to do as he wants. He feels her body melt against his as she nods her head yes. He allows her embrace, he rewards her submission. She feels worthy of his love.

She whispers to him "I belong to you." He's everything she has, he's everything she needs.

Cassie can feel his body relax under her touch. He feels in control, he feels strong again. For now, he lets himself be lost in her unconditional love. And Tomorrow, he will worry about the future of his family.

If I'm religious, you're the one that I believe in

You've been here with me to help me fight all my demons