happiness is a butterfly

something about you

Nate spends the night in a holding cell.

It's cold, his back hurts and his head is pounding from all the alcohol he has consumed. He felt like absolute shit. Cal had tried to get him released last night, but some rules couldn't be bent even for his father.

In some ways, Nate found his night sleeping on the cold, hard plank they considered a bed like a very rude awakening of where his life was headed. His life was a mess, he was not in control, and he definitely did not want to spend any more time in this place.

According to Officer Mack, being the weekend meant he was likely to be here until Monday, which had him worried about Cassie. His mom had reassured him that she was staying at her mother's house and that it would be best to not worry her with this whole jail debacle.

"Trust me, sweetheart. She will feel so guilty and all this stress is not good for the baby." She had told him over the phone with a motherly tone.

And although Marsha had not voiced this to her son, the Jacobs' had all agreed the last thing Nate needed was for his distraught pregnant girlfriend to rock up to the local jail with bruised arms searching for him.

Being alone in the drunk tank gave him time to reflect on his situation and what he would do once free. Truthfully, this was not an ideal situation to be in. In the best case scenario, he would get away with a fine and community service hours. In a worst case scenario, he would be looking at time behind bars for battery. Plus, he also had this whole mess with Cassie to fix.

The thought of her one upping him had left his ego bruised. As did the idea that McKay had gotten Cassie pregnant before him. It was a very weird and unsettling feeling to explain, but just the thought made his stomach burn with acid bile.

His harsh night had allowed to work through his feelings and put aside his ego for a short moment. He got to think about his conversation with his father. He reassessed his relationship. He looked within.

A catalyst in his overreaction at her so-called deception was the feeling in his heart after hearing McKay's words that night. It was the way his stomach dropped, his neck felt cold and his body felt extremely hot. It was the way a lump settled in his throat making breathing harder. It was the way his heart suddenly felt shattered in a million pieces.

He had often asked himself, did he truly love Cassie? Did he truly love anyone? Did he even know love?

And he had always brushed aside his concerns, justified by the notion that love was something he was incapable of feeling and undeserving of receiving.

In that moment though, when he felt his heart (whose existence, were it not for the fact he could feel it beating, he had often questioned) break, he had admitted to himself what he had been too afraid to accept.

He loved Cassie.

Actual love. Not just for the way she made him feel or what she could do for him.

He loved Cassie in a way that made him feel vulnerable, in a way that allowed his chest to open and her to flow through his veins. In a way where he could let her feast on his soul and leave him for dead.

It was a terrifying realisation, because to love someone meant giving up a part of you and leaving it at the other person's mercy. It meant losing control.

Love meant forgiveness.

He had lost track of time to his running thoughts when a young officer came to unlock his cell.

"It's your lucky day, boy." Officer Mack's voice boomed from his desk. "Kid dropped the charges, said he fell off his skateboard. You're good to go."

His dad was waiting for him in the front office to drive him home and, even if he would never admit it, he was kind of happy to see him there.

"How did you do it?" Nate asked, expecting his father to have meddled to get him out with no charges.

"I didn't do much, turns out his dad was the one to make him press charges. I think Christopher felt bad this morning."

"My life is like a Lifetime movie, I swear." Nate commented incredulously, letting the events of the past two days run through his mind.

"Well, you're lucky you left your jacket in my car." Cal sighed as he went to take something out of the cup holder in his car. He lifted a small clear bag with white powder in it for his son to see. "If they found this on you, you would have been in a lot more trouble."

Nate didn't say much back other than a muffled thanks. Cal was right and it put even more into perspective the bad choices he had made recently. He had told himself a long time ago that if he wanted to go through with creating a family with Cassie, he needed to be a better person. Make better decisions, for his son, his girlfriend and himself. And for a while he kept that promise.

The last few months saw him stumble back into his usual pattern of destruction, bad actions with no consequences. He knew why. His father was obviously a trigger point for him and being with him daily saw him spiralling. And he clearly lacked positive ways to deal with his emotions.

"I know you hate when I tell you what to do." Cal started. "But this is not something you want to start messing with. You said you want to be a good father, and I know you can be..."

"I get it." He answered truthfully. "Can you take me to Cassie's?"

"Go home, take a shower and then go see her. You stink."

And he couldn't really argue with that. So he dutifully went home, had his ear chewed off by his mother, thanked his brother for going to collect his car from the bar. He looked around his room while getting dressed, the hole in the wall a harsh reminder of what had occurred. His mom had done a good job of cleaning up the room and making it look like nothing had happened, but that hole in the wall stared back at him mockingly.

He could barely remember punching the wall, or what he even said to Cassie, or how hard he gripped her. Were it not for the sound of her tears and the image of her fear, he would have little recollection of what he had done in that moment.

It was like a dark cloud engulfed him with rage, like a beast took charge of his body, like a violent fire burning through him.

And once the flames subsided, all he had left around him was a pile of ashes of what he had destroyed,

And a hole in the wall in this case.

At the Howard residence, Nate's knock on the door was met by a surprised Suze.

"Fancy you showing up." She said, giving him a greasy look. "Cass, your fella is here." She moved aside to let Nate into the house. He had only been there on very few occasions and looked around the house filled with random tchotchkes.

The Howard house was weird. Like the kind of house that would feature in some weird horror movie with creepy dolls and children. The decor was chaotic, made up of a collection of random heirlooms and objects picked up at markets. The furniture was a mismatch of retro pieces that reminded him of a 70s swingers party and the armchair you would find at your widowed Great Aunt's house.

"Hey." Cassie's voice broke him out of his analysis of her family home.

He took in the way she stood in the hallway, arms awkwardly wrapped around herself as though she was cold despite the warm summer temperature. She had this sad look on her face, her eyes downcast, her face tired.

She looked broken.

"Hey, can we talk?" He finally asked, his mouth dry and heart beating in overdrive.

I can't wait to buy you things

A brand new diamond ring

This is more than just a fling