happiness is a butterfly

lonely

Motherhood was really fucking hard.

If the first week of Harvey's life was fuelled by the excitement of his arrival, in the weeks that followed Cassie really felt the struggle of caring for another human.

After coming home, Cassie and Nate's modest little house had been busy with visitors at all hours of the day. Marsha and Suze were there all the time, fussing over Harvey and Cassie, helping her out all the time. Gemma would Facetime them every morning. Lexi would stop on her way home from school for a little cuddle. Cal would also find some excuse to drop in most days, usually when he knew Nate was on campus and Marsha's car was not in her driveway. Bev and Bud had come down to meet their very first great-grandchild, armed with toys and hand sewn quilts and tiny knitted mittens and frozen meals for days.

But as the novelty of a newborn in the family wore off, and the visits less frequent, the reality of the situation had finally dawned on Cassie who felt lonelier than ever.

Her little bubble of happiness had suddenly burst and her life unravelled before her.

She could not remember the last time she had more than 3 hours consecutive sleep. Or had a nice, hot, long shower. Her hair felt disgusting, her body flabby and her skin dry. Her nipples had been cracked and raw and her boobs swollen. Breastfeeding had been much more painful than she imagined, as she figured out latching and let downs and breast-feeding friendly clothing.

She loved being Harvey's mom, she truly did. But sometimes, when she could hear him cry and cry all morning and all afternoon and all night, Cassie just felt like curling up into a ball and crying herself to sleep.

Then there was Nate.

It was very clear from the moment they came home that, as smitten as he was with his son, Nate's idea of fatherhood involved very little of the nitty gritty and very much of the peaceful moments.

Most days, he would come home and go straight to Harvey who loved being in his Daddy's arms. After screaming all day long with her, he would turn into the most peaceful little angel as soon as Nate scooped him up- only to start all over again the moment his dad fell asleep and Cassie would tend to him all of the night. Sometimes, Cassie wondered what she had done to make her son dislike her so much. She would spend her entire day holding him, changing him, feeding him, keeping him alive and all he would do was scream in her face.

She was exhausted.

While Nate got to sleep soundly all night, Cassie would be up every few hours with a crying baby. But, unlike Cassie who stayed home with their son, Nate had college and work. He needed time to study. He needed to be focused in meetings. He needed to ace his exams. He was in bed late and up super early to fit as much into his day as possible. He needed a full night's sleep more than her. Surely, she could have a nap during the day while Harvey slept. What else could she possibly do all day long?

And, as he had pointed out when Gemma asked if they were both getting up during the night, most cries were because of their son being hungry and, as he was drinking exclusively from her breast, there was no use both of them being awake for half the night. To Nate (and therefore Cassie), it made sense that she would be the one up every couple of hours trying to settle Harvey.

Still, as she watched her husband sleeping soundly with his ear plugs in, an overtired Cassie sometimes fantasised of smothering him with a pillow. Or making a sudden loud noise that would jolt him awake and keep him up for hours.

There was no doubt in Cassie's mind that Nate loved Harvey more than anyone else in the world.

He could come home so angry at the world and take one look at their sleeping boy and let it all melt away. Or when he would put a sleeping Harvey on his chest and wrap his arm around Cassie and they would just lie there together and the rest of the world didn't exist. Or when he would whisper how much he loved her and their son and their family. And Cassie would feel little of her anger dissipate.