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ᗩ/ᑎ ᑭ.O.ᐯ
That day, the sun was shining especially bright with almost no clouds in sight. The sky was blue, as expected, and there was a perfect breeze that passed by and made a smile lift to your face. And that day, you and Maeve were going to have sex.
Maeve wasn't one to plan out a day for sex. She seemed like the type to just jump on her significant other and fuck them on the spot, to put it lightly. But Maeve knew that you were a virgin, and she wanted to make sure you were as comfortable as you could be.
Except, you weren't a virgin.
It wasn't something you wanted to yell out to the world: that you were sexually assaulted when you were just 13 years old. And you would've told Maeve - in fact, you almost did, but changed your mind as soon as the thought came up. It was just a weird thing to bring up in conversation, and it wasn't even that big of a deal. It was over now, in the past, and all you wanted to focus on was the future.
So, lying to Maeve was easier than telling her the truth. You've never lied to her about anything else; well, except for when you told her you loved the stuffed bear she won for you at the fair. But relatively speaking, lies weren't your thing. It was just this one significantly big lie that you were hiding under your belt. But it wasn't so much of a lie as it was a secret.
Still, you tried not to think about it.
"It's so nice out." You turned to Maeve, who leaned against the school roof's railing next to you. She let out the smoke from her cigarette and kept eye contact. It made your stomach flip.
She smirked. "You're nicer."
"Clever."
"Thanks."
You two shared a look, one that said 'I can't wait for later'. Except, to be honest, you could. But you didn't want to admit that - to her or to yourself.
-
And so the night had come. It was colder now as you and Maeve walked through the lines of trailers, peeking into windows to see what her neighbors were up to. You both stopped being nosy when you saw someone watching porn, to which the two of you screeched and ran hand in hand to Maeve's trailer.
By the time you got inside, something shifted in you. You wanted to be with Maeve, but your nerves had been building up all day and felt like they were about to explode. You didn't understand - you were so excited to be with her, to really be with her, but something was holding you back. You didn't want it to be the secret you kept, but the intuitive part of yourself knew it was just that - and if you didn't do something about it soon, it would eat you alive.
As soon as Maeve closed the door, she cleared the space between you two and rested her hands on your hips. Her lips enveloped your own, drowning you in a deep sea of her love. The way she kissed you made you feel like you were as light as a feather, but still grounded; the more intense the kiss got, the more you felt like you were floating away - floating from the ground, from your body, from her. And as she started to slide her hands under your shirt, unknowingly trailing paths of fire where her fingers touched, you felt the air around you still like the world stopped while you kept moving. You pulled away.
"Everything okay?" She frowned from her concern, her lips parting from the lingering question. You nodded, then changed your mind and shook your head. It was now or never.
"I need to tell you something."
Maeve nodded, encouraging you to continue. You didn't know if you wanted to. Still, you swallowed the lump in your throat - or, tried to.
"I'm not a virgin." You gulped. The silence around you was too loud - you wanted to fill it, but not with the words you were about to say.
You sighed and continued. "I'm not a virgin, but I didn't have...sex. I was-" Your throat closed; you had never spoken the word before, not in the context of your experience. Rape, rape, rape. The word sliced your tongue as it begged to come out. You winced at the pain that was always shoved in the back of your mind until now.
Maeve gripped your hand tighter, almost bringing you back to reality. "Hey, it's okay. You don't have to-"
"No." You clenched your jaw and met your girlfriend's eyes. She knew that look - it was your look of determination, the look that she nor anyone else could get in the way of. She let you finish.
"I was thirteen. It happened before I moved here." You licked your lips and turned away from Maeve's concerned eyes, letting your shoulders fall. "I didn't tell you because...well, it's not a big deal-"
"Y/N. It is." She took your hand and led you to the couch where the two of you sat down. "You're okay now." She said, and you must've been crying because she wiped her hands across your damp face.
You both sat there for a minute, with Maeve running her hand through your hair and you crying what was left of your tears. In this moment, you realized a trauma like this was not something you would get over easily, no matter how many times you told yourself you could.
You wiped another tear that fell from your eye and turned to Maeve. "I'm sorry. For not telling you."
"Don't be." Maeve took your hand and kissed gently along your knuckles. You sent her a sad smile, then frowned. You took a deep breath. "I don't think I'm ready."
You surprised yourself with your words, but Maeve didn't look surprised at all. She nodded. "How about we watch a movie?"
Your heart did a cartwheel. This girl was probably your favorite person in the whole world. As her eyes searched your face for a response, you screamed inside your head: I love you I love you I love you!
But on the outside, you just smiled. "I'll make the popcorn."
